You might be in the first trimester of pregnancy if…
1. You have an ultrasound photo on your refrigerator with the words “Baby!!!” next to what appears to be an alien life form or a blob of ink. Without the word baby nobody would know what they were looking at.
2. Your husband walks by you with garlic breath and you immediately vomit.
3. You’re standing in the kitchen talking to your husband when you suddenly turn toward the sink and projectile vomit. The vomiting is so forceful that you also pee your pants. Your husband stares at you with concerned horror.
4. You write about peeing your pants and put it on the Internet for the whole world to see because you are beginning to have flashbacks to the labor of your first child. You remember that pregnancy and dignity are mutually exclusive…so, why not tell the truth?
5. You’ve replaced the Game of Thrones saying “Winter is coming” with “Labor is coming” because labor is even scarier the second time around.
6. You put on your bathing suit and it looks like you have squeezed yourself into a child’s size small so you put on shorts and a T-shirt instead. When you step out of the lake your wet shorts are see-through and you don’t even care because dignity is a luxury you cannot afford. Besides, you are completely focused on the gratitude that comes with not puking in public.
7. You over-hear your husband explaining to someone that you aren’t very good at pregnancy, but that you seem to have a real talent for vomiting.
8. Your five-year old daughter is concerned for your health so she makes you lie on the couch while she examines you with her plastic doctors kit. She determines your affliction is pregnancy. She then takes her plastic doll and stuffs it up your shirt to make the whole experience seem more realistic. You don’t care because at least when you lie down your stomach settles for a few minutes.
9. You feel like you’ve swallowed a dragon and wonder if a person can die from heart burn.
10. You fall asleep before your five-year old every single night. She wakes you up to make sure you know you have fallen asleep.
11. You wonder if those women who claim to feel beautiful and exceptionally energetic and healthy during pregnancy are real people, and if they are, why can’t you be one of them?
12. You keep telling yourself that morning sickness is a sign of a healthy pregnancy even though it feels like the exact opposite.
If you are in the first trimester and suffering through any of these things come sit next to me. We can commiserate and share strategies on vomiting discretely (if there is such a thing). Let’s hope this all passes in the second trimester.
P.S. This is my lame attempt at a pregnancy announcement.