If I die and come back to earth I hope I get to be a dog. More specifically I hope I get to be my dog. I realize that is probably impossible even if reincarnation exists. It would require a time machine and some sort of quantum physics, science fiction scenario that I probably shouldn’t even try to talk about because I can’t even explain quantum physics in a way that makes any sense. To support my claim on the “life of dog” I desperately desire, I have made an extensive list on the benefits of being a dog in my home.
1. They are walked twice a day and often more than that. This is more exercise and more “outdoors” time than I have gotten in over two years.
2. They do not have to wash dishes, cook meals or wear clothes (very little laundry).
3. They sleep 22 hours a day (well, that’s what it looks like). I can’t even begin to describe my level of sleep deprivation. At this point, why bother? I’m tired and these dogs mock me with their napping…on MY couch.
4. Their only job is to bark and look rabid when someone knocks at the door. The last time I raised my voice in any kind of protest, Tiny-Small told me, “Calm down, Mama.”
5. They don’t have to waste any time showering or smelling nice. Everyone expects them to stink. It’s not that I want to stink, but imagine how much I could get done if I didn’t have to shower? Or bathe a toddler? Also, when dogs want to smell good they just roll on something dead. They don’t have to spend the money they were going to use to pay the electric bill on the latest celebrity perfume. I know it sounds gross, but I think we would understand better once we were living in a dog’s body.
6. You can spend all day long sunbathing. Nobody will call you lazy or lecture you about wearing sunscreen.
7. You get to wear a fur coat every single day and nobody will say you are inhumane to animals or throw red paint on you.
8. You can pass gas without having to say “excuse me.” The worst thing that will happen is you will be sent outside to resume your sunbathing.
9. You never have to pretend you like someone. You can just growl in their general direction.
10. If you were a dog and you painted this it would sell in five minutes. Just look at this horse, making the big bucks (did you see his self-portrait?). The best thing for my art career might be to become a dog artist. I’ve gotten paint in my mouth before so it’s not like it would be THAT different anyway.
If you don’t like being a dog you can make plans to come back as a cat…they have even cushier lives.