I had a miscarriage.
It’s uncomfortable to type those words, especially in such a public place. It’s such a private experience. When I made the decision early on to announce my pregnancy publicly I knew I was taking a risk. There is always a chance that a pregnancy won’t work out for a multitude of reasons. I chose hope and optimism. I chose to share the journey…good and bad. I had a miscarriage yesterday. I spent most of the day in the ER.
I’m not going to write in-depth about it now. It’s too raw, but I might in the future. At the ER the nurse told me miscarriages happen far more often than people realize. I know this is true. I’ve seen the statistics and I personally know many people who have been through this experience. Maybe writing about it will make me feel less alone and maybe it will make someone else feel less alone too, but I am saving that for another day.
Right now I want to thank the ER staff at my local hospital for their professionalism, the respect they showed me, and their humor – which got me through some really rough moments. Mostly I want to thank them for their incredible kindness. The ultrasound tech cried with me. He said he was a dad and he knew how hard this was. The nurses sat with me and told me stories when I had to wait for test results. They got Tiny-Small lunch and dinner because she was there with us through everything and they knew I was worrying about her so much. I feel really lucky for being surrounded by people who truly cared about my suffering and did their best to minimize it whenever possible. I can’t express my gratitude enough.
I also want to thank my primary care doctor for telling me that sometimes things go wrong at conception and miscarriages are inevitable. I didn’t do anything wrong. There isn’t anyone or anything to blame. Sometimes they just happen and that’s that. Her words have given me some peace. I am sad, but not resentful or angry. I am not beating myself up over losing the baby and wondering what I could have done differently or worrying about what mistakes I may have made. With a few sentences she took away the shame. Her words were a gift and I appreciate them.
Also, if you are pregnant or have a baby. I still want to hear all about it. It’s not going to make me more sad. New life makes me hopeful about the future and I want to share in your joy. So please don’t avoid me or just talk about the weather. I thought a lot about this while I was waiting in the hospital. I know a lot of people struggle with hearing about other people having babies when they just lost one. I can understand that and respect it. I’m just not one of those people. After my father committed suicide, I was in a lot of grief, but I still enjoyed reading and hearing stories about other people’s dads. I think I just find it comforting that there are good things happening in the world and that other people have different experiences from mine…and mostly, that life still goes on even after loss. It helps me be brave. We all process grief in different ways and that is OK.
Some people won’t read this post and they will ask me how far along I am or if I am having a boy or a girl and I will have to tell them I had a miscarriage. I just hope they don’t feel awkward or uncomfortable and like they should have already known somehow. It’s uncomfortable to talk about, but it’s OK to talk about and I appreciate their kindness and interest in my family. I hope they know that somehow.
I also hope you will read this as an attempt at fearlessness. I am not looking for sympathy. I just have to tell you what happened because I am not pregnant anymore and the only other option would be to pretend that I was and that would be ridiculous.
Thank you for understanding.