never clean your again, just hang up this sign.

How To Never Clean Your House Again In 5 Easy Steps

What? Never clean your house again? What madness is this, right? Well, between the two of us Jim and I have developed a fool-proof plan to keep you untidy, but still respectable.

Step 1: Become an artist. Or, just announce that you are one. People don’t have to know you are secretly an accountant. It’s a well-known fact that artists are unconventional and messy. It’s totally acceptable to have piles of chaos when you are an artist. It also means you can dress funny too (win-win!). This leads us to step 2.

Step 2: Make a sign or piece of art (or just buy one) that says you are messy and hang it by the front door. It’s like saying, “Here I am world. Love me as I am or don’t take one more step.” What can people really say? You warned them. If they seem shocked just talk a lot about being an artist until their eyes glaze over. That works every time.

never clean your house again, just hang up this sign.
Please Excuse the mess…it works every time!

Step 3: If you have an area rug that has become impossible to clean or you just don’t feel like vacuuming ever again, just flip it over. When people ask why your rug is upside down, just look at them like they are crazy and exclaim, “Burlap is all the rage right now. This is a faux-burlap look, but it gets the job done.”

Burlap carpet for the win! Never clean your house again.
Burlap carpet for the win!

Step 4: Don’t ever, ever, ever have kids. Or dogs. Don’t have kids or dogs. A stray cat or two is fine, maybe some fish, but no kids and no dogs. If you do have kids or dogs make more signs (see step 2) and blame the mess on the kids and the dogs. Just blame all of your problems on your kids and your dogs. People will just nod in agreement because nobody can make a mess like a kid or a dog…nobody. Plus, dogs and kids are cute, so they can get away with just about anything.

Step 5: If all else fails, you can always join the witness protection plan. OK, maybe not, but you could hire a cleaning lady…or move. So, never lose hope. You can be messy and still have friends. You just have to find friends who are even messier than you are. That way you look like you have a spotless house whenever they come over.


What cleaning tips and tricks do you have?

12 thoughts on “How To Never Clean Your House Again In 5 Easy Steps”

  1. I am a surface cleaner. I give the illusion of a clean house but if you look a little harder you will notice the dust and dirt and smudges. I then say “please excuse my completely dirty house” which throws them off because it then sets them up for a disaster zone and are thus pleased by the current level of cleanliness 🙂

    1. I new this lady that was a surface cleaner. She would just shove everything on her counters into the cupboards below. One year at Christmas she asked me to get her mixer out. I pulled it out of the cupboard and it had mashed potatoes dried on it from Thanksgiving! Haha! We all have our cleaning secrets!

  2. Hahaha! I don’t apologize for the way I keep my house…. artist or not! LMAO! It drives kelly crazy, with her OCD, but… there are 3 dogs, 4 people, and a cat…… it’s not going to stay perfect!


  3. You can light a scented candle. Only do the basics in life, paint, pay bills, floss and clean toilets.

    This is a bit off of the subject, but I don’t cook either except in a wok. I keep my art supplies in the oven and have for over ten years.

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