I’m writing a novel. I started it last night in a paper notebook. I know, writing a novel sounds super ambitious for someone who can’t even seem to keep up with Fiction Fridays, right? I joined Camp NaNoWriMo two days ago. I have a month to write 50,000 words. Yes, that is four zeroes after that five. I had to do a double-take the first time too. My fingers hurt just thinking about it. My computer is considering over heating in advance. I’ve already taken up pretend alcoholism and invisible chain-smoking to get into my imaginary writers, stereotypical, creative character. I am like the Daniel Day-Lewis of amateur, off, off-Broadway writers. I am sure Mr. Day-Lewis would find the comparison completely insulting, so I should probably just apologize now. I know I am not worthy of the comparison, but I need to create some drama and intrigue and excitement around my new project. All the how-to websites say creating a buzz about your fiction is essential. I hope you can hear that buzz right now, loudly, like an annoying bumblebee that won’t leave you alone, but in a totally “I will be making honey soon” kind of way. This writing gig is already exhausting and I have hardly even started. Do you hear the BUZZ, Mr. Day-Lewis? Do you hear it now? I loved you in Lincoln, by the way….
Since it is already the fourth of April, I have some catching up to do. I am already pages behind. I will soon have to write 2500 words a day to meet my goal. I keep procrastinating on getting an App for writing. I don’t know why, I mean I need one for a multitude of writing reasons: Job resumes, sending letters to politicians, making newsletters randomly, pretending I have serious work to do. I just keep putting it off because I can and maybe because I like the pressure of a looming deadline. It makes me feel important, as if I have somewhere to be. I can say, “Watch out, people, busy, crazy mom coming through. I have things to write. I have DEADLINES!” Nothing makes you feel important like upcoming, self-imposed deadlines. I can scream about my editor being difficult. Nobody has to know that I am my own editor, right? Even if they do find out I am not just the writer, but also the editor, I am pretty sure they will agree that my editor is a real pain in the you-know-what. On a side note, I’m not good at swearing. Someone said people who swear are more trustworthy. I guess that says something about my character. Don’t say I never warned you. My novel will likely be filled with lies. Fictional lies about fictional, made-up people. Wait, maybe real fiction writers don’t swear at all then, right? Now we might be getting somewhere.
Anyway, this novel-writing is incredibly ambitious, but I started last night and so far I think it is pretty good. I mean, pretty good for someone who has never written a book before. That’s the best part about NaNoWriMo. It doesn’t have to be good, it just has to be done. Write a book in one month and then edit it for five years. Sounds like the perfect plan to me! Or, write a book and bury it in the closet for your great-grandchildren to discover and read one day. They will certainly be horrified by my swearing and crude humor (none of which has actually been written by the way (mostly because I don’t swear), but I have big plans…BIG plans filled with crude humor and unfortunate grammar mistakes). I am pretty sure they will mostly marvel at my over-use of parenthesis.
As soon as I finish the book I will print one copy and take it to my Alma Mater and demand they put it into library circulation right next to my philosophy-professor-friend’s book. The friend I like to argue with ad nauseam about life and death and existential angst. I know getting my book next to his will be difficult to accomplish because his book is nonfiction and our last names do not start with the same letter (I may have to start a campaign to do away with the whole alphabetic system of organization and the Dewey Decimal System, but that is a challenge I am willing to take on). His book may be intellectually superior to mine, but I am pretty sure mine will be much more entertaining. I will do my best to work in a few unicorn’s and rainbows as a shout-out to my Fiction Friday peeps and as a way to annoy my philosophizing friend, even though he will likely never read this post or my book. At least, I will know, in my heart, that I have written a book too and that it has unicorns and that it would annoy him if he ever read it. That will satisfy my desire for one-upmanship. If it doesn’t, I’ll have to write a second book, or maybe even a third because he has two books on that college library shelf. Wow, 50,000 words x three is making me a little woozy. I’ll probably need to invest in some robotic wrists by then. Do you think they will be invented sometime during the next 15 years? My carpal tunnel is already getting angry.
Anyway, here I am procrastinating. Over 1000 words of procrastinating. I should have saved them for my book. I’m probably doing this all backwards. When I finish the book I’ll let you read some of it. We all need a good laugh and the grammar sticklers out there need something to write on with their red pens. I have a feeling it will be a hit one way or another. Even if it is the worst book ever written, at least it will be on the library shelf of my old college where they will brag about the accomplishments of local alumni. I can continue to be famous in my own mind, and you, my dear readers, will have the opportunity to laugh and leave me horrible reviews with anonymous names. That kind of sounds like a blast, doesn’t it? It does to me! I am actually looking forward to it.
I guess I better go. I am off to do important things. I have serious, self-imposed deadlines to meet. I am busy being famous in my own mind. I’m writing a novel. It’s hard work. It’s important too, have I mentioned that? Due to my inability to swear I am probably not to be trusted when declaring my level of importance, but hopefully, my exaggerations and love of drama will unfold nicely between the pages of a fictional book. Send prayers. Send chocolate. Send robotic wrists. Prepare to write entertaining reviews.