Just Another Day in Postal Paradise

I’m trapped in postal paradise this week. Yes, that should be read dripping with sarcasm. If you have read here before you know that the United States Postal Service and I have a long history together. One filled with lost packages, disappointment and heart-break. We should break up all together, but I really want the relationship to work out so I keep holding on and hanging in there. I keep thinking the USPS will find a good therapist and change: That one day we will be happy after all.

I have had to go to the post office every single day this week. Monday I picked up packages. Tuesday I mailed packages. Wednesday my Elf on a Shelf was in lock down at the post office and I had to go post bond for her release. I bought the Elf at Target, online, for a ridiculous sum of money (this is my punishment for wanting to play with the cool kids adults in the blogging world). The elf was mailed through UPS and was supposed to come to my door via a big, brown truck. Somehow, mid delivery, Target decided to go with the USPS and so UPS delivered my Elf to the USPS where she sat on a shelf for two days and nobody bothered to tell me. I was in the post office picking up packages the day she was delivered and the day after she was delivered. Nobody bothered to mention I had a package sitting next to the other packages I was picking up. Thanks a lot, guys.

Then I got an email from UPS with my tracking code informing me that my elf was at the USPS. So, I went to get her yesterday. The postal worker behind the counter interrogated me for three minutes about my “so-called” package problem. “Your package isn’t here,” he told me, “We are not UPS.” Round and round we went. He told me that UPS is not supposed to deliver my package to the USPS (as if I had master minded the whole deceptive package delivery because it was so much better to spend my day doing THIS than having the package delivered to my doorstep) and even if he does have it he may not be able to give it to me. Also, he wanted to see my picture i.d. to make sure I was who I said I was. I became a criminal just by making a purchase online. Send help! I may lose my mind.

Finally, after much discussion and pleading on my part he decided to “go take a look” in the back, but he couldn’t promise anything. Then he returned with my package and handed it over the counter lecturing me on how “lucky” I was that the package had been sitting there for two days and was in his computer system, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to have it. He also said I was lucky it wasn’t in the “return to sender” pile where it should be. He gave me that look police officers give you when they stop you for speeding, but decide to let you off with just a warning…not that I would know anything about that.

I am supposed to learn some lesson here. At least that is the impression I got from the postal worker. What that lesson is I am not quite sure. Don’t shop at Target? Don’t buy things online? Don’t use the USPS? The workers in this post office don’t seem to understand that my use of the postal service is keeping their post office branch in business. Don’t complain to me that you are being forced into early retirement as you list all of the reasons I shouldn’t spend my money in here. I’m a customer. I’m not a criminal. Hello? Making me want to use your services less is not going to help you move out of the red and into the black. I get so tired of fighting with the men in this post office branch. They won’t let me get delivery confirmation on my packages even though the women do (and every other postal office I have ever been in lets me purchase it too). They don’t let me choose the method of delivery that I want. “You don’t want priority on this, it’s too expensive,” they inform me. Well, yes, sometimes I do want priority mail no matter how expensive it is, thank you very much. Stop trying to be the boss of me! Stop making up the rules as you go along! Stop making the more expensive UPS look like a better deal than having to fight for my right to mail something! Please. Stop being ridiculous and start following the rules printed on your own forms. Let me decide which shipping method to purchase. Stop telling me I cannot get insurance on my package because you just don’t feel like typing in three extra numbers! It’s so hard to refrain from screaming and crying…and begging.

I have to go to the post office today. I have Christmas packages to mail. I am dreading it. I really am. Four days together is just too much togetherness. All I can hope for is that the women are behind the counter today. They are the only ones who seem to know what they are doing back there. Jim lets people pass him in line and waits for a woman postal worker to be free. That’s how little faith he has in the men. What is up with that?

Hope your holiday mailings are going smoother than mine!


Want to read about my other experiences with the USPS? Check out this: Do Postal Workers Read Your Magazines And Watch Your Movies? and this: The United States Postal Service: It Isn’t What It Used To Be.

24 thoughts on “Just Another Day in Postal Paradise”

    1. Small town life…it has it’s perks and downfalls for sure. These are the few moments I fantasize about living in a bigger place, but only for a short while!

  1. That’s freaking hilarious! I wish you lived where I do. We have had the same mailman for years and he was still here when we moved back (we were away for six years on the East Coast.)
    Far be it for me to remember his name but he remembered ours and he would do anything for us. He’s my own little private post office! I hate when he goes on vacation because I have to deal with the incompetence at our post office too.
    Sorry mama ~ I hope your trip to USPS isn’t too screwed up.


  2. This is why I try to order all gifts for long-distance family members on Amazon and have it shipped directly to them. I hate going to the post office this time of year.

    1. My only revenge was Tiny-Small going #2 in her diaper while we stood there. Pretty sure that is what wrapped up the lecture.

  3. I tried hard – really hard – not to giggle at your misfortune, but you mad it too darn amusing! You’re so lucky to get lectured as if by older but way wiser parent types. All I got at the post office today was a guy who’s retiring 31 January and so is in an incredibly good mood (‘my last holiday season from this side of the counter’). Please do report back on Day 4 of the Postal Hostage situation.

    1. There is always a new installment to this ongoing story. Someday I will publish a book of articles just about the local post office.

  4. I am going to try really really really hard not to have an elf when I have kiddos. The operative word is try. I’ve heard that everything you say B.C (before children) is open to interpretation A.D (after delivery). 🙂

    1. I haven’t decided if the elf is for Tiny-Small or for me. I’m not sure I like the idea of it being creepy to her…haha! I do find the photo set ups hilarious though. Maybe by then I can just mail you my over priced elf if you decide you do want one!

  5. Wait a minute. Forget the elf on a shelf (in the post office. literally.).

    You’ve been pulled over by a police officer who DIDN’T give you a ticket?

    Hell. I must be doing it wrong.

    p.s. Good luck with the elf. I have to say, it’s one of the MAIN reasons I’m glad I have teenagers who are too old for one. I’d either be totally creeped out by it or get caught in the Vortex of Inappropriate Elf Contests. And no one wants to see me like that.

    1. I got the Elf so I could dive into the vortex and be silly and Elf-inappropriate, but it’s been in the box foe two days now…I keep forgetting to pose it and take pictures. Yep, I haven’t even named her yet!

  6. lmao i’m so sorry hunnie…USPS is awful…and especially during the holidays! People getting/receiving your gifts should give you extra love for what you’re having to go through….

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