My House Is Where Furniture Goes To Die

I just realized my house is where furniture goes to die. When I was young and full of hopes and dreams (just a couple of years ago) I had standards for myself. I combed my hair, wore clothes that fit and bought furniture that matched. Then I had dogs, then a husband, and then a kid. I started looking around the other day and was kind of surprised by what I saw. The home I have created now is so different from the one I created for myself a decade ago. I realized there are at least 10 things about my home that are cringe worthy.

1. I bought a college dorm couch from Wal-Mart because it looked like it could be hosed off…literally. It’s ugly and plastic and hard as a rock, but, almost daily, my daughter covers it with finger prints and I wash them off with a dish cloth. I mentioned this last Sunday, but I thought it was bad enough to deserve a second mentioning. Futon’s are not for people who enjoy being comfortable (or stylish), but they do work well for toddlers who like to have their own drink holder.

2. Most of our furniture is broken or ripped and I don’t even care. I figure by the time Tiny-Small reaches an age where she can drink water without spilling it we can invest in something nicer. Until then, why bother?

3. We have lived here for over a year and barely have any pictures, paintings, or anything on the walls. I’m an artist. I have paintings in stacks leaning against the wall but no time or energy to actually hang them. It’s sad really, and bare.

4. My dishes don’t match. I had a set that did, but it keeps disappearing along with the silverware. Every Christmas we get a few new coffee mugs so it’s festive around here all year long. Jim keeps broiling meat in my cake pans and bending all of the spoons as he fills his bowl with ice cream. We truly live like college students…college students without rich parents and with bad taste. College students who have to buy new cake pans at least three times a year. Well, that might not be so “college student” of us, but you get the point.

5. Our dog, Loco-Lucy, chewed a hole in the kitchen wall. Right in the middle of the wall. It happened last year and we still haven’t fixed it yet because we have been too busy putting in new flooring, and more flooring…and then some more flooring.

6. Our little kitchen table has big white circles on it because someone keeps putting hot things down on it without hot plate protection. I say “someone” because sometimes it is me. We keep hiding it with table cloths and other such nonsense, but those circles are their waiting for us. They scream, “Haha, Loser!” at me every day when I walk by.

7, The dining room table has chairs with bite marks. Apparently chairs are the perfect height for lazy dogs who like to chew while rolling around on the floor. We could get new chairs, but then we would need a new table and then we’d have to paint the walls. You know how it is, one improvement leads to another.

8. Our Chinese cabinet was OK, until we moved it a few times and then Tiny-Small broke the door off with her little toddler hands. Apparently she has super powers we were unaware of. Either that or Chinese cabinets are made of string cheese. I glued it back together with Gorilla Glue. Yes, we go through a lot of that around here. Yes, I have considered getting stock in the company.

9. For a while, the door knobs to the front and back door would just come off in your hand when you went to pull the door open or closed. It happened on both sides, so, sometimes you’d get stranded inside the house and sometimes outside the house. We replaced them, but it’s starting to happen again. I’ve never had this happen to me before so I give Jim the evil eye everyday as he opens the door. It has to be him, right? I still can’t figure out what kind of magic he is doing that causes doorknobs to fall off. Apparently he also has super powers that I did not know about (it’s hard to be the only average person living among the super power talented).

10. We can’t use the dishwasher because the mineral content of our water is so high it leaves the glasses coated with a milky film that takes days to scrub off. This is why I complain so much about washing dishes. I am washing them all by hand! I know, I should just be grateful we have running water and indoor toilets, and I am, but still, I do not like to wash the dishes.

This is not a home for the fancy or the type who prefer things to match. We are too busy breaking things, wearing things out, and creating messes to bother with perfection. I think I am OK with that for the most part. I never have to worry about someone putting their feet up on the coffee table or making rings on an end table. All of that has been done before. People do live here after all. Even if it is where furniture comes to die.


25 thoughts on “My House Is Where Furniture Goes To Die”

  1. I decided a few years ago that I should not buy quality/expensive things because my family will ruin them. If I buy chairs on craigslist, I don’t get as upset about their mistreatment.

    We went four years with a broken dishwasher. We used it as a large drying rack. You might be able to buy something to correct the water. When we finally bought a dishwasher last month, the saleslady at Lowe’s pointed out a product for the hard mineral buildup. I can’t remember its name, but I’m sure you could find it.

  2. I love the dog on the table photo. You should hang that in the wall! ;). I’m already seeing my decline and my sine is only 8 months old. Oh and I don’t comb my hair anymore and my clothes have not fit since I was 4 months preg. I think all of this makes us real mommies and women.

  3. You know what, you live where you live. It’s not a museum, and it’s not supposed to be. As long as your house isn’t Hoarders-worthy, you’re doing alright. I say good for you!

  4. I have an OCD husband who wants me to clean the toilets every three days, so our house is in decent shape (minus the two “spare” bedrooms) most of the time… But we have no children, and no dogs. If it makes you feel any better, our 1939 house decided to break a lot when we moved in. We’ve killed two washing machines by overloading them and when the dishwasher was broken I resorted to picnic-ware and eating out. I applaud your dish washing efforts, because even though you hate it, you still do it… Which is clearly more than I can say for myself!

  5. Sounds like my house… All of it no wine glasses, just sip cups and old qt cups, someone thought the faux leather part on my couch was food and chowed it like a prime rib. The hole from my kid putting his face through it is still there. You are not alone! And I love your art! I would plaster it all over!

    1. You’re so nice, thank you! Thank you for liking my art AND for telling me your house is just like mine. I feel so much pressure to have my house look perfect and between the dogs, the child, the husband…it’s a lost cause and not really my fist priority these days!

  6. I hear you screaming and I’m there right along with you. Having a child has managed to turn my once chic furniture into unattractive antiques. And our living room throw rug has stains all over it. It isn’t even a throw rug. I went to the local carpet store and had them bind a large piece of carpet because I knew it would be wrecked in no time. Someday, we will upgrade 🙂

  7. Not too long ago I walked into the family room to find my three year old IN the couch cushion. He had wiggled in through a tear in the cushion, leaving only his head sticking out. Couldn’t just flip the cushion, as that side was covered in stains and tears. Did I buy a new couch? No, just a $40 couch cover. I’m not buying anything new or hanging anything on the walls until my nest is empty. I find your “I don’t care” attitude refreshing.

    1. It would just be a waste of money at this point! I can not get over your three old wiggling into the couch cushion. That couch didn’t have a chance! I’m so grateful to whoever invented couch covers.

  8. roflmao! 4, 5, and 7 made me snort and spit. My dining room chairs used to look like that too so I painted them all with black spray paint. Covers the chew marks right up! My husband does the same thing with spoons too. Buddy, there’s a REASON ice cream scoops were invented. The door knob coming off was hilarious. Oh, and Lucy says hi!

    1. My husband never uses the ice scream scoop. I think because he usually ends up breaking them. Never get between that man and his ice cream!

  9. I feel like this all the time. Since we got married we are on our 5th couch. That is in 8yrs. All of our furniture is used or hand me down. (which I’m actually ok with…it’s just stuff to me) My couches are leather because I thought they’d clean easier than fabric where puke soaks in……not so much. I say put some art and pictures on the wall and forget about the rest. You are an amazing artist and you should have it on display to remind yourself of the gifts you have. The dishwasher thing would drive me insane. if I wasn’t so embarrassed I’d show you pictures of my disaster to make you feel better.

    1. The only good thing about not using the dishwasher is I never have to unload it. There doesn’t seem to be a good choice in couches. Not when you have pets and kids! I know how you feel.

  10. Oh thank you. I feel so horrible about my house when I read all the impressive projects my artsy-friend-bloggers are engaging in to beautify their abodes. I feel like I’m the only one with random damaged furniture and house dysfuntion. You would feel right at home at my pad. Door’s always open!

  11. HA our furniture is in terrible repair. My kids think that everything is for them to destroy. I just removed the coach because I could not stand one more child falling off of it and crying. I never sit anyway so I figure we do not need one! I like that you are missing cutlery so are we and I have no idea how!

    1. My husband sometimes takes our silverware to work with him (he brings left overs) and then somehow comes home with someone elses silverware. It drives me crazy!

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