Every night before I go to bed I think to myself, “Tomorrow I will do better.” Tomorrow I will be a better person, a better mother, a better wife, a better artist, a better housekeeper (yeah right) and a better listener. Every day I do my best, but inevitably fail in some fashion or another and so end up making the same promise to myself night after night.
Every morning I am reborn with an optimistic heart and the determination to make the best of any situation. I wake up with gratitude that I have another day to try it all again. Then, sometime around noon, my “best” becomes diminished with time, exhaustion, and defeat. Having a two year old is an exercise in stamina and turning the other cheek. I feel trapped somewhere between being a good mother and self preservation. There is a limit to how much screaming one person can endure and today I have reached my limit and I feel like a complete failure.
As I am typing this my over tired daughter is crying and screaming in her crib. I feel guilty for not rescuing her from her sad and cranky disposition, but she truly needs a nap and I truly need a break. I don’t know if I am making the best decision right now. I am letting her cry and I feel terrible about it, but at the same time I just cannot walk into her room right now and get her up. I know some time in the future I will look back at this moment and feel shame and guilt. I will have proof that I am sometimes a horrible mother. I will know that I am incapable of always putting my daughter first. I will know that one day she will grow up and resent me for my humanness, but in this moment I am fully aware that this is the absolute best I can do. In this moment I am crying along with her. I am exhausted and alone. I am imperfect. I am human.