My Moment Of Shame, Guilt And Failure

 

Every night before I go to bed I think to myself, “Tomorrow I will do better.” Tomorrow I will be a better person, a better mother, a better wife, a better artist, a better housekeeper (yeah right) and a better listener. Every day I do my best, but inevitably fail in some fashion or another and so end up making the same promise to myself night after night.

Every morning I am reborn with an optimistic heart and the determination to make the best of any situation. I wake up with gratitude that I have another day to try it all again. Then, sometime around noon, my “best” becomes diminished with time, exhaustion, and defeat. Having a two year old is an exercise in stamina and turning the other cheek. I feel trapped somewhere between being a good mother and self preservation. There is a limit to how much screaming one person can endure and today I have reached my limit and I feel like a complete failure.

As I am typing this my over tired daughter is crying and screaming in her crib. I feel guilty for not rescuing her from her sad and cranky disposition, but she truly needs a nap and I truly need a break. I don’t know if I am making the best decision right now. I am letting her cry and I feel terrible about it, but at the same time I just cannot walk into her room right now and get her up. I know some time in the future I will look back at this moment and feel shame and guilt. I will have proof that I am sometimes a horrible mother. I will know that I am incapable of always putting my daughter first. I will know that one day she will grow up and resent me for my humanness, but in this moment I am fully aware that this is the absolute best I can do. In this moment I am crying along with her. I am exhausted and alone. I am imperfect. I am human.

4 thoughts on “My Moment Of Shame, Guilt And Failure”

  1. You are so funny . . . and I mean that in a good way. The best thing you can do for your daughter is teach her. And sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is just let her cry. Here's to being human and imperfect . . . and always trying better every day!!

    1. You know what, Judy? You are right! She went to sleep. She cried for a while, but she went to sleep. When she wakes up we will both be much happier (I hope). Now that the moment has passed I can take a deep breath and start again!

  2. You are so nice. I've been in battle mode too long (battle for the house, battle for quiet, battle for people to just practice their instruments without a fuss) that I forgot what it used to be like to be nice. Maybe that lady will come back one day? Here's hoping!

    1. It's probably because I only have one child. I am sure by the time the second one comes along I'll be letting everyone cry guilt free. At this point I am still worried about scarring her for life. Yes, I know I am ridiculous, but I can't seem to help myself!

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