I’ve come to the conclusion that buying toys is for suckers and by suckers I mean adults. Kids don’t want, need, or even like toys. Kids want to play with adult things and use their imaginations, or at least do everything in their power to cause their parents to lose their minds. Tiny-Small loves cardboard boxes, but she also loves other seemingly boring or slightly unusual objects. For example, she will play for an hour straight in the downstairs bathroom shower stall. It’s her house, complete with a door that she can open and close at will while screaming, “knock-knock!” I keep having flashbacks to The Shining and pray to God she doesn’t start walking around saying, “redrum…redrum….”
Hello? Oh my it’s you again. Would you like to come in for some tea and scones? Let me take your coat for you. Please remove your shoes so you don’t get my newly polished floors dirty. Or, in the scary version, “Heeeeere’s Johnny.”
She also spends quite a bit of her time wearing my sunglasses and singing loudly while in her little shower stall house. She gets very angry if I open the door without her permission. She has even perfected the art of slamming the door in my face. She has a very strict “no solicitor’s” policy.
Well, this will hopefully be the first, last and only time my underwear ever make an appearance on the Internet. Tiny-Small has taken to wearing them around her neck like a necklace. She says, “My neckie, my neckie” anytime I try to remove them and throws herself on the ground and cries. I think I may need to purchase fancier, better looking underwear if this continues. They are, after all, supposed to be worn under the clothes and not over them. We haven’t been able to leave the house in days. I am too embarrassed. I want people to think I wear racy lingerie and not cotton hanes. Oh, and yes, they are clean. That’s rule #1 for wearing underwear like a necklace, at least in my house. I’ve got to draw the line somewhere.
This is a classic milk jug that Tiny-Small uses as a drum, a weapon, a giant drinking receptacle and as an overall dramatic showpiece that she can express her mighty roar with. Yes, she knocks me in the head, tortures the dogs and flings it into the air and into innocent lamps and statues that previously existed as our decor, but are now regulated to out of reach and out of the way places. We no longer have any decor thanks to this milk jug and to this child. We just have piles of junk and a few crooked paintings dangling from the walls. We also have no peace and quiet and our dogs are all likely suffering from some sort of PTSD. We seriously need to get a recycling bin with a lid that locks.
Oh yes, the mighty, mighty refrigerator light is one of her all time favorite toys. Every morning begins with her asking for juice or milk and then with her screaming, “Light! Light!” with the kind of delight only a toddler can express when dealing with such mundane appliances. If left unregulated the light will be turned on and off until all of our food grows warm, spoils and oozes out of the front of the refrigerator. This is a fascination she never grows tired of. Tiny-Small finds magic in the little things that drive both of her parents to the brink of insanity. These are the moments that make her soul soar with joy.
We cannot forget the wonderful experience of having an empty coffee container with a lid that she cannot quite remove by herself or put on by herself. This object will be carried around and treasured because of the attention it requires. Tiny-Small will cry when she cannot get it open and then cry again when she cannot get it closed. Then she will cry when her toy gets stuck inside and cry again when her toy gets stuck outside. “Open. Open! Noooo! Stuck! Stuck!” All day long she will have mommy there to help. All day long! Thank God for coffee or I would never survive this power struggle and exercise in futility.
Tiny-Small loves to play the piano. She is quite musical and stands on her tip-toes to bang away at the keys. She does not sit at the bench because sitting is for old people…like Daddy.
We cannot forget one of the best toys of all. A stick. It has so many, many uses. Tiny-Small loves to tease Lucy with the stick. They play keep away for hours and Lucy never tires of chasing the stick, grabbing the stick, and running away with the stick. Tiny-Small never tires of holding the stick over her head, pulling the stick out of Lucy’s mouth, or crying when Lucy runs away with the stick. The stick is also a great tool for getting the attention of adults. It can be thrown, used like an axe, used like a giant stirrer, broken into tiny pieces (that require enormous amounts of time to clean up) and used to poke out eyes. It’s better than any puzzles, kitchen sets, or dress up clothes that can be imagined by boring, old adults. It’s also readily available from the wood pile no matter how many times mommy or daddy takes it away from you.
So, if that isn’t proof that toys are a complete waste of money I don’t know what is. Tiny-Small is right now talking into my iPod. She’s talking to her Grandma’s cat Itty-Bitty. She’s convinced my music device is her own, personal cell phone even though I keep insisting it is not. I think for her birthday this year I won’t buy her any toys at all. Instead, I am just going to open all of the kitchen cupboard doors and just turn and look the other way. She’ll be so ecstatic that she won’t even know she is missing out on anything at all. It will be the perfect distraction and allow me the opportunity to sample her cake and to maybe play with some of those toys I bought her for her last birthday. All of those toys I always wanted when I was a kid. The toys she has no interest in at all.