How Twilight Almost Made Me Barf (I Give Away The Ending)

It’s confession time. I read the entire Twilight series. I read the first book many new moons ago and seriously, it almost made me barf. I literally skipped entire pages devoted to people staring into each others eyes. I couldn’t take the nauseating details exclaiming the beauty of a completely insincere romance.

I
Tiny Small As The Vampire Baby.

 

Real romance is when your husband washes the dishes, cleans up the dog poop (so you don’t have to) and lets you sleep in an hour later because you stayed up all night with the baby. All of the lustful, eye staring made me cringe and want to set the book on fire. I guess, if you are a vampire and live for infinity, 30 pages devoted to googly-eyed staring passes by in the blink of an eye. For me, a mere mortal, reading all of that felt like an eternity. I could literally hear the seconds of my life ticking by with every romantic gesture and glance. Minutes I would never be able to get back. It was a miracle that I finished it at all. I didn’t read anymore of the series until recently when, even though I had sworn on a grave or two that I would never ever read another Twilight book, I read the rest of the series all in one week. What broke down my resolve? I can only blame Jim because, as it turns out, I usually blame him for everything anyway. Seriously though, this time it really is his fault. I started reading the books again after Jim told me that people were having seizures in the movie theater when the vampire baby was born. Vampire baby? Wait…what?!

Rumples: Vampire Dog.

 

So, I trotted down to the library and checked out the rest of the books and to tell the truth each one got less sappy and more interesting than the previous one and by the end of the last book I was a little sorry it was all over. Only a little sorry though. I want that on the record! Having said something nice, now I have to scream, “Vampire BABY!!?? Come on!” Vampire’s can’t have babies. They are dead. Dead people don’t have babies. It’s like the author never read up on vampire lore or something. It’s like she never explored the not-so-secret manual to the undead. It’s like she got her super-human, mythical creature villans mixed up or something. Even though I would like to continue ranting with all of my vampire-nerd outrage, I have yet another confession to make.

Rosie. We Should Have Named Her Fangs.

 

When my daughter was born I called her my little “milk-vampire” because she sure acted like one. There were certainly days where I felt like a vampire victim. Even now, when she gets really frustrated, she will turn and bite something. She’s gnawed on her highchair, the table and a few stuffed animals more times than I count. I was bitten more than once myself, but I never turned into a milk-vampire or an ordinary vampire or a hybrid vampire.

 

In another weird coincidence I was attacked by our cat, Mik-Mok, vampire style, but I never turned into a werecat either. It seems I have some natural immunity to all creatures of the night time or daytime for that matter. The books did get me wondering about why so many people (and animal) in my family have vampire-esque tendencies though. It would certainly explain the desire to stay awake all night. The long naps during the day. My daughter’s aversion to vegetables and her love of the color red. It would explain why Mik-Mok is always killing mice instead of humans (she’s obviously a vegetarian type) and why my husband is always feeding me large quantities of garlic. I think he knows something that he’s not telling me.

Mik-Mok

He can keep his secrets. As long as he doesn’t force me to stare into his eyes for long periods each day I think we’ll be OK. We can make this work as long as Mik-Mok doesn’t lose control of herself…at least not again.

P.S. I’m totally Team Werewolf. How about you?

 

15 thoughts on “How Twilight Almost Made Me Barf (I Give Away The Ending)”

  1. I read all the books. I found I couldn't put them down. The romance in the story is what actually kept my interest. When I was done though I thought about young girls like my daughters who would be reading them and how they may get the wrong idea on how life really is!

    1. Haha…I just figured out how to reply to comments (what a dumb-ass). I think the last book really made me think about how I would feel if my daughter read this series. I mean, the star of the book is willing to give up her entire family to run off with this guy who keeps getting her into danger and trouble. For a while there she was willing to never see her family again. I never thought much about stuff like that before I had a child of my own, but now I am like what kind of message is that?!

  2. Team Werewolf all the way. 🙂

    But yes, I agree that these books are absolute drivel and the conservative Mormon subtext in the message to young girls is not only disturbing, but terrifying to boot. How many little wimps will be created by emulating Bella Swan? And the violence against women as well as the racism against Native American peoples had my skin crawling. Book three got thrown across the room several times.

    Great post, Lillian! You put a smile on my face. 😀

    1. It was like a car wreck. I couldn’t look away. Yes, exactly! I hope beyond hope that my daughter doesn’t grow up to be anything like Bella Swan…good grief!

  3. I ended up reading this series because my then teenaged daughter had asked for them for Christmas & since I read Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series & Vampire series when I was her age..I wanted to check them out before she did (because Anne Rice gave me some askew views of the world/vampires/sex).
    I kind of liked the books..and when I was finished (and had decided to give them to her) we discussed healthy relationships (with a lot of eye rolling from her) vs what I like to call the Disney princess syndrome. You might not think that it applies to this series, but to me it just basically means the projecting of fantasized situations by a show/book/movie. I’d like to be truly impressive and say that this discussion enlightened my daughter but really it just turned into us greatly anticipating seeing the movies and the subsequent giggling & hot flashes over the were wolves 😉
    Did any of that make sense? I am distracted by people constantly talking to me :o/

    1. I get what you are saying completely. Parenting is hard! I wish Disney would invent a new princess story. So many “romance” themed books and movies just follow the same story. I mean, there are other ways to fall in love. Healthy relationships just don’t sell.

  4. Hahahahahaha! I’m mildly ashamed to admit this, but my inner 13 year old loved the Twilight series. The movies were really awful, but there’s a broody teenager in me that fell for all the sap hook, fang, and sinker.

  5. I fully admit to having read them. Yes there was a lot of eye rolling and honestly, I think the writing was crap quality and that Bella is a horrible role model for young girls. And don’t even get me going on the movies. So much cheese. And not the good kind.

    Totally on Team Jacob. I mean honestly, Edward is like 100+ years old and even though he looks 17, psychologically he is NOT and that basically makes him a pedophile in my books.

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