I never thought in a million years that I would be out in my back yard, wearing slippers, with hair dye in my hair, but there I was. It’s probably my new all time low in personal grooming and it was unfortunately on display for all to see. The only thing saving me from total humiliation was that I live on a very rural road with only a handful of neighbors going by. Neighbors who occasionally roll down their windows to get a better look at the crazy woman with the cute baby.
These are the moments of my life, the sum parts of the total, that will likely haunt me well into old age. I am going to share a few of them with you right now, faithful reader. Some of you will laugh, some of you will empathize and some of you will probably just shrug your shoulders and feel embarrassed for me. I just hope you will realize that my intention is to make you giggle at my expense and maybe think that over the years you have had it all together…at least in comparison to me.
1. When I was about 8 years old a group of boys was taunting me. I was giving it back to them by saying things like “OH yeah? Well, your mother wears combat boots.” For some reason that was a popular thing to say back then although at the time I had no idea why that was an insult and to this day I still don’t get it. I mean, mom’s who wear combat boots are actually kind of amazing and cool, not to mention bad ass. OK, so I yelled something like, “You smell like mothballs” and then I turned around to run away and ran right into a stop sign pole. So embarrassing!
|This moment was illustrated in the night, in the dark.|
2. When I was in my twenties I was in a hurry and ran out the front door and it shut on my broom stick skirt. Yeah, and I didn’t have a key to the front door. So, I stood there for a minute, just stuck, looking at the traffic going by. It was a busy road. Of course it was. Nobody else was inside. Decisions had to be made. I say that jokingly because there really was only one option. I pulled down my skirt, ran to the backdoor and let myself in. Again, embarrassing!
|The real photo was unavailable due to it’s graphic nature.|
3. Before I was a SAHM and had a “real” job I was running late one morning and put on two different black shoes. Yep. I had to stop at the store before work and buy shoes that matched because it was too long of a commute to turn around and go home. I am so embarrassing. I don’t even wear shoes that match. The worst part of this story is that I laughed at my friend for doing this a few years earlier. They don’t say Karma is a b*#ch for nothing.
|No excuse will excuse this badly drawn, badly photographed illustration.|
4. Recently, I went to the grocery store with charcoal on my face. LOTS of charcoal and it wasn’t ash Wednesday and I’m not Catholic. I asked my husband why he didn’t tell me about the charcoal on my face (we had a 20 minute conversation before I left for the store) and he said he hadn’t noticed it. Yeah, I don’t even know where to start it’s embarrassing on so many levels.
|At least this is how I remember it.|
5. A few days ago I thought Tom Jones and Tony Bennett were the same person…and maybe Barry Mantilow. I can’t tell the difference. Apparently one of them did some concert with Lady Gaga on PBS. I have no idea. I guess that is what happens when your husband is 14 years older than you are. You speak different languages, at least musically, and end up looking kind of dumb when you can’t tell musicians apart. My husband thinks Justin Beiber is a soft drink and I think The Grateful Dead are a bunch of artists who really love little bears. It’s almost like we need a translator when it comes to culture.
|What’s with all the cute little bears anyway?|
So, in conclusion, my husband wants me to tell you that our dog really loves Justin Beiber. He caught him sitting on the couch watching Justin Beiber on Cool TV. That’s a channel that shows really crappy videos that aren’t allowed to be shown on MTV…or is it Mtv. I am too old to remember. All I know is I had to drink three glasses of wine just to write this blog post…it’s so embarrassing to be such a dork, but I guess you can only do the best with what God has given you. I’m making the most of my moment and using up my talents left and right. How about you?