Tag Archives: parenthood

10 Things I Learned By Becoming A Parent

Becoming a parent changes you in ways that are to extensive to list. I mean when people say “everything changes” they are not kidding. It wasn’t long after Tiny-Small was born that I started to have major realizations about the behavior of other parents. You just don’t understand these seemingly crazy things parents do until you have kids of your own. It’s been a real eye opener to see how the other half lives. I am not sure I can even remember what it was like to be childless, but I do remember there was much more sleep.

These are the 10 Things I learned by becoming a parent.

 

 

1. “Mom Jeans” weren’t just a terrible fashion experiment. They actually had an important function moms never talk about. The high-waisted jeans held in the inevitable muffin top.

 

2. People don’t “let themselves go” after they get married and have kids, it just happens to them. Most parents don’t have time to work, care for children, keep a household going AND buy the latest fashions, fit into the latest fashions, get designer hairstyles, and always have a perfect pedicure.

http://

3. People with young children don’t lose interest in popular music, they just never get to listen to any. They will spend at least 5 years in a row listening to Elmo singing in their car (and other various children’s music). By the time they can resume listening to popular music again they won’t know who any of the new musicians are. That’s why people just listen to the same old music they listened to in high school. This way they don’t embarrass themselves in front of their teenagers. Besides, who can remember all those new names anyway?

 

4. Parents are not trying to be funny when they walk into a room and stare into space. You really can’t remember what you came into the room for, what you opened the refrigerator door for, or why you are carrying the scissors around in your left hand. Life, for the most part, is lived in a fog.

5. Your childless friends will get bored with you and your friends with children won’t have time for you. That’s OK though, because you won’t have time for them anymore either. At least not like you used to. Between work, child maintenance, car maintenance, home maintenance, and grocery shopping you will be lucky if you have time to brush your teeth and eat sitting down.

 

6. When your child is with you people will smile at you more, hold doors open for you, give you free advice, tell you about their grandchildren, and hand out candy freely. In short, having a child pays off in pleasantries in situations you might otherwise be ignored in. Being a parent does have some perks.

7. Big hair is not a fashion device, it’s a requirement. The bigger the hair is the smaller your waist looks. It’s not that mothers are unwilling to try the latest hair techniques, it’s just that we need something to balance out our much wider hips. This is why we have become famous for hair shaped like giant helmets, or, wild, unkempt, I just rolled out of bed hair.

8. Nobody wants to drive a minivan. After you have kids you just give up being cool for a little peace and quiet. You just want some space between you, the kids, and the detritus that now covers the backseat and the floor. Between the abandoned books, kicked off shoes and sticky lollipop sticks lies your dignity and you don’t care because at least you can listen to NPR without screaming in the background.

9. You really never do stop worrying about your kids. It’s not just something people say to be charming. Years later you know you will still be sneaking into your kids room at night to make sure they are still breathing. Somewhere, deep in your heart, you realize you will have to shove this urge aside because your 27 year old son, home for a visit, probably won’t appreciate you waking him up at 3 am just to test if he is still alive.

 

10. Your kids make your heart swell with love and pride in ways you never imagined before. They can also make you more angry than you have ever been in your entire life and more tired. That’s the price you have to pay for the moments they make you beyond-your-wildest-dreams happy and cause you to laugh so hard your false teeth fall out (I’ve seen it happen).

What have you learned by becoming a parent?

10 Things I Don’t Like About Being A Stay At Home Mom

Do you LOVE being a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM)? All the time? Every waking moment of your life? If so, this blog post might not be your cup of tea. You might want to tune in at a later date when I list all of the things I love about being a SAHM.  This is a list of things I don’t like about being a Stay At Home Mom or parent. I’m not saying I don’t want to be a SAHM I am just saying there are parts of this job that are annoying, not fun, or down right boring. Trust me, if I had a job outside of the home I’d just have a different (probably longer) list of complaints because I can’t really help myself from complaining about something…anything…at least, some of the time.

1. When I go to a social gathering people always ask me one of two questions: A. When are you going back to work? or B. Are you ever going back to work? Seriously? I paint, I blog, I garden…I make funny political jokes about myself. I can talk about all sorts of things. I’m interesting. I don’t ask you when you are going to quit your job, or when you are going to get a better, different job. If I did, you would think I was rude, right? Because it is rude. Also, don’t be a repeat offender. Asking me question A or B more than once a month is kind of annoying and a little boring. Don’t you have anything else to talk about?

2. Cleaning. I clean for hours each day and have nothing to show for it. I don’t even have a clean house. It never ends, or gets better, or goes away. It’s tedious and boring and sweaty.

Jim does help with the cleaning so, ya know, whatever.

3. I’m always the one stuck home waiting for a delivery, a repair person, or someone to show up who never shows up on time. Plumbers, electricians, fence installers, UPS, FED EX, appliance delivery…they say they are coming, but what they really mean is they might come by tomorrow, or next week, or next month and could I please keep the dogs locked inside until then and be home just in case they arrive sometimes between now and some imaginary, future date?

4. I’m responsible for keeping the inside of the house (see #2) looking nice and the outside of the house looking nice. That means the yard. I like to garden, but weeding, moving boulders, filling in holes dug by dogs, and painting decks? All that stuff is incredibly hard to do with a toddler who always wants to help and by help I mean: pulling the good plants up along with the weeds, throwing her body in front of moving boulders, re digging once filled holes, and rolling around in the paint I am using on the deck. Not to mention, toddlers walk really, really slowly sometimes. It takes me 18 minutes to take the trash down to the trash can with my toddler following after me. If I am by myself it takes 2 minutes tops. Then people wonder how I managed to accomplish so little during the day and ask me when I am going to get a real job (see #1).

These grew magically and then I took credit for them, of course!

5. I don’t get to watch what I want to on TV anymore. During the day it’s Elmo, or some other kids show or cartoon. By night, my husband controls the remote. This isn’t that bad since I’m not a big TV watcher anyway, but have you ever tried watching Glee with a husband who has never seen the show before? It’s kind of hard to take it seriously when he keeps giggling at the the characters and the hokey musical numbers. Watching that show with fresh eyes made me question my own taste and then I realized nobody will ever ask me about it around the water cooler anyway so what do I care?

6. I don’t get to wear nice clothes. Oh, I can wear them, but if I do, they won’t be nice for long. Yesterday I got dressed up with perfume and everything. Tiny-Small ran past me with a chocolate popsicle and dragged it right along my pants. I also don’t get to wear cute shoes anymore. I have to be able to run. At. All. Times. So, now I have a cute shoe museum where shoes sit on shelves collecting dust while my feet outgrow them slowly. It’s where I go to cry.

Cute shoes versus shoes I actually wear. This is not a fashion blog, obviously.

7. I’m in charge of clean underwear, clean socks, and the availability of fresh diapers. I am also in charge of making sure we are all dressed for the day. When Jim helps get Tiny-Small dressed it’s more work than if I do it myself. He usually asks, “Where are her shirts?” then “Where are her pants?” Seriously, I labeled her drawers for a reason and still her clothes cannot be found!

How could I make this any clearer?

8. There is rarely any silence. If there isn’t screaming there is barking. If there isn’t barking there is talking. If there isn’t talking, phones are ringing, cars are honking, and doors are knocking. It’s a loud, loud world at home during the day.

“The Scream” …this one is for Molly.

9. Someone always eats my food. For the past two years I have shared my meals with someone or other. Tiny-Small eats my yogurt, Jim steals my grapes or a loud noise pulls me into the other room and the dog gets onto the table and eats my sandwich. I miss food…good food. I miss having an entire plate of food all to myself. I miss lunch dates with grown ups.

Food stealer, barker extraordinaire.

10. I’m on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with very little pay and very little sleep. There are no places to hide and no places to escape. There is usually an emergency of some kind or another.

Tiny-Small, when paint attacks.

These are the things I don’t like about being a SAHM or parent. Do you have anything you would like to share or add?