Tag Archives: humor

50 Things You Wish You Never Knew About Me

My friend Marianne from We Band of Mothers asked me to answer these 50 questions about myself.

You might want to stop reading right now. Go back to folding laundry, drinking coffee, and staring out the window. Do not give up 5 minutes of your life reading this list.  Trust me. This is not fit reading material…not even for the bathroom. You will learn things about me you wish you never knew. I learned things about me I wish I never knew.

If you are as as outraged as I am by this incredibly ridiculous, narcissistic, list-making blog post I have written, just head over to Marianne’s blog and leave her a comment about how she’s obnoxious for asking me to do this. Don’t let her tell you it’s payback for me asking her to do posts like this because that is a total lie. She never did a single one. Don’t let her witty responses fool you. Don’t get lost in her humorous remarks, and above all else, do not let her amazing story telling get in the way of the facts. She may even try to bribe you with her secret stash of pudding pops so be aware, people, be very aware.  She’s a trickster in disguise. She’ll make you fall in love with her one way or another. She always does.

If you are still here and still scrolling, don’t say I didn’t try to stop you.

1. What are you wearing?

I am wearing a pink, long sleeved nightgown with turquoise, pajamas bottoms. The pajama bottoms have little sheep on them. Little, numbered sheep that I am supposed to count in order to fall asleep faster each night. Except I never count them because it’s too dark to see, which is good, because it’s the only reason Jim still thinks I’m hot.

2. Ever been in love?

Yes, but to be fair my longest love affair has been with chocolate. I can’t help it. I might as well face it, I’m addicted to love.

3. Ever have a terrible break-up?

Yes. I’d tell you all of the details, but then I would have to kill you.

4. How tall are you?

5 feet 7 inches, but I have horrible posture so I’m probably more like 5 feet 3 inches. I’m sliding into my old crone years without much resistance.

5. How much do you weigh?

149 and a half. I am totally keeping track because I have to get down to 138 lbs. My doctors are ruthless. Plus, I’m lazy and like chocolate too much. See above.

6. Any tattoos?

No way. I am pain adverse. Plus I could never make that kind of commitment.

7. Any piercings?

I have one hole in each ear. I am so boring. I know.

8. OTP (One true pair, favorite fictional couple?)

Danny and Sandy because I like to sing “Summer Lovin'” as much as possible and as loudly as I can. Plus, it’s too early in the morning for me to think of any couples fictional or otherwise.

9. Favorite Show?

I can only pick one? I really liked that show Carnivale that was cancelled after a few seasons. I still think about it years later. What in the what was going on?

I’d probably have to say my all time favorite is The Office though because I can (and do) watch it over and over again and laugh and laugh.

10. Favorite Bands?

I love David Bowie. I once listened to his greatest hits album, on tape, for two years straight in my twenties. I also love Prince and Neil Young and Tom Petty. Oh, and Queen. Who doesn’t love Queen?

11. Something you miss?

My pants. Will I ever fit into you again, My Precious? Preciousssssss

12. Favorite Song?

Ziggy Stardust? Maybe. I can’t choose one. If you asked me tomorrow I’d probably say something else like Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie.

13. How old are you?

27. Always. Just like my Mother-in-law. We never age. We are always fabulous.

14. Zodiac sign?

Gemini. As if you couldn’t predict that. It’s my excuse. I can blame all the crazy on my birth sign. I’m also a rabbit if we’re talking about the Chinese zodiac. Hoppity-hop-hop.

15. Quality to look for in a partner?

The ability to laugh at all of the bad stuff. Give me a dark humor dark lord any day of the week. No, I don’t call my husband “lord” even though he begs me too.

I should have just kept it simple: Sense of humor.

16. Favorite Quote?

How do people only have one favorite of anything? I have an entire Pinterest board devoted to quotes. If you want to read 210 of my favorite quotes just head over there right now.

17. Favorite Actor?

I’ve always had a soft spot for Steve Buscemi.

18. Favorite Color?

Purple. Today.

19. Loud music or soft?

Lately? No music. Just let me listen to my podcasts already.

20. Where do you go when you are sad?

The forest. I love trees.

21.  How long does it take you to shower?

Who has time for that?

22.  How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

Until afternoon. If I am lucky.

23. Ever been in a physical fight?

Nope. I’m more of a verbal mud-slinger.

24. Turn on?

Biggest one? When my husband washes the dishes.

25. Turn-off?

Bad spelling. One time in high school this boy wrote me a love letter. Most of the words were misspelled. That’s when I knew we were never meant to be.

50 Things You Wish You Never Knew About Me

26. The reason I started blogging?

I was so lonely and I wanted applause. I’m like Beyoncé without the fame, fortune, and muscular thighs.

27. Fears?

I’m afraid of everything, but I never let that stop me. Oh, and sharks.

28. Last thing that made you cry?

This blog post, by my friend A Pleasant House, “How To Adopt A Child Without Signing Papers.”

29. Last time you said you loved someone?

I just told Tiny-Small I loved her. She ran up to me this morning and asked, “Are you still breathing, Mom?” She cracks me up. Best kid ever.

30. Meaning behind the name of your blog (It’s a Dome Life)?

I live in a geodesic dome. I hardly ever write about it. It’s just the place that houses all of my other shenanigans.

Mostly, though, it’s just all of the clever blog names were taken and I was thinking of that horrible Disney show about twin boys called “The Suite Life.” It’s embarrassing. I’ve never told another living soul that’s where I got my idea. Sadly, at the time, I thought it was called, “It’s a Suite Life” which is a different version, but same play on the word “sweet” so, technically, I didn’t even have it right to begin with.

For the record It is NOT “It’s a Do Me Life” as Godaddy, my hosting company, believes.

31. Last book you read?

You mean actually finished? I finished a book about Cesear, a fictional romance fiction thing that I did not love and cannot remember the name of right now. It was free with Amazon prime. I need more coffee for these questions. My memory came out with my placenta during child birth. I swear.

32. Book you are currently reading?

I just started The Giver but I am also in the middle of a few self-help books (for obvious reasons) and The Prince of Tides (for the second time).

33. Last show you watched?

The Sopranos. I am re-watching the entire series. I am stuck in the past right now. I am also watching Sex in The City for the first time.

34. Last person you talked to?

Jim. He was talking about how his cousin is an amazing newspaper writer while I sat typing my mediocre blog post. He’s just keeping me humble so I stop comparing myself to Beyoncé and making a fool out of myself in public.

35. The relationship between you and the person you just texted?

Married. I text Jim to annoy him. He’d prefer I just call. This is what marriage is all about.

36. Favorite food?

Lasagne. Sushi. Bread. Hot bread. Hot bread with butter…

37. Place you want to visit?

Sistine Chapel.

38. Last place you were?

The kitchen? What? I never leave home unless I absolutely have to, mostly because it requires getting dressed and to quote someone smarter than I will ever be, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

39.  Do you have a crush?

I have a crush on Justin Timberlake. I think he is sparkly. He can dance, sing, and he brought sexy back, which I totally thought was lost forever.

40. Last time you kissed someone?

Jim. He kisses me goodnight. Although, Tiny-Small kissed my leg this morning. I’m not sure if that counts. She was climbing up my leg and sliding down. I am the human fireman pole. Then she kissed my leg in thanks I suppose.

41. Last time you were insulted?

Every three minutes on the Internet. I even take it personally when someone else is being insulted.

Plus there was that moment yesterday when Tiny-Small asked, “Are you dressed? You can’t wear pajamas to the store.” even though I was in fact dressed.

42. Favorite flavor of sweet?

Orange. A fresh, giant, juicy, sweet orange.

What instruments do you play?

I play the spoons every morning when I make my coffee, but I also played the violin in second grade.

44. Favorite piece of jewelry?

My wedding ring.

45. Last sport you played?

Hahahahahaha.

46. Last song you sang?

Let it go….let it go…I cannot let this darn song go….

47. Favorite chat up line?

My chat up line is just a big smile, which, for some reason, makes older men think I want to be their girlfriend. It’s a curse. It also doesn’t work well on the Internet.

48. Have you ever used it?

Talking is overrated. Talk is cheap. Did I mention I try not to leave the house if at all possible?

49.  Last time you hung out with anyone?

I am hanging out with you right now.

50. Who should answer these questions next?

I am nominating Just a Mum, That Ash Girl, and Mayor Gia 

(I hope Mayor Gia draws all 50 answers).

If I nominated you and you don’t want to do it you are dead to me. Just kidding. I don’t really care.

 

P.S. I painted a rose. Day 27 of #30in30 paintings.

Peach Roses
Peach Roses watercolor 2.5 x 3.5.

 

Mommy Death March

For the past two weeks I have taken Tiny-Small on what I like to refer to as the “Mommy Death March.” After dinner we go straight up the side of our backyard mountain and walk until we are gasping for breath and begging for water. Which, for Tiny-Small, is about 3 feet. Five minutes more and she is begging for a snack. Ten minutes further and she is wondering why we didn’t pack a tent and the TV.  She is like a princess when it comes to exercise and like the girly-est girly-girl you can imagine when it comes to the outdoors. She packs a purse for our twenty-minute journey and must wear sparkle shoes and bows in her hair. It’s a comedy wrapped up in a Fancy Nancy book trapped in a Sweet Valley High teenage novella, and then rolled into a death march for mommy.

Mommy Death March
“You might as well jump.” has new meaning for me now.

 

Anyway, it’s the only way to tire her out for bedtime. I call it a death march because I usually feel like death afterwards. I look like death too, except I am pretty sure death looks more rested.

The after dinner walk has been working well. I get in about 3,000 steps on our walk. That’s what my pedometer claims anyway. I figure it’s probably the equivalent of 30,000 steps, really, give or take a few, since it’s uphill both ways. I swear.

The best part though is when Tiny-Small falls asleep within 30 seconds of her angelic little head hitting her Dora and Boots, pink, flowered pillow. That’s the best because then I can sneak into the kitchen and eat all of the chocolate ice cream I want and revel in the quiet my buzzing ears can hardly believe. That’s the glory of the mommy death march. It is quite a thrill.

I was living the easy bedtime dream for fourteen days. I had hours to myself in the evening to read all of the blogs I wanted to and to make snarky comments on my friends Facebook statuses. I even got to watch a few episodes of Sex In The City while folding other people’s underwear. One night I even had time to make homemade apple tarts and…wait for it…eat them! It was glorious! That was the kind of after 9pm life I’d been living. For fourteen days straight. FOURTEEN BEAUTIFUL DAYS!

Until Tuesday night that is. Tuesday night Tiny-Small suddenly  developed an immunity to mommy death march madness. She walked and walked, but she never got tired. She didn’t need to be carried down the mountain like she usually did. She did not beg me to let her put on her Disney Princess nightgown and Spiderman underwear so she could go to sleep immediately upon return from our walk. Nope, Tuesday night was different. Tuesday night, she put her head on her pillow and it bounced straight up into the air until she was completely in a standing position. It was like watching a pretty version of the Exorcist. Her arms were raised above her head in jubilant joy as she began to jump on her bed like a little monkey just begging for the doctor to be called about a terrible head injury. Then she looked over at my death-like face and exclaimed, “I’m not even a little tired!”

I begged her to lie down, but she just asked, “Why? I don’t need to sleep! I’m wide awake!” Then she bounced around while I dozed in and out of consciousness. It was either that or cry myself to sleep over my loss of late night freedom and snack eating.

Don’t forget me, chocolate ice cream, I will always love you.

The next day as we embarked upon our after dinner walk, and I was in the final throes of bedtime anxiety and despair, like a rainbow of love, the clouds parted and the sun shone down on Jim and Tiny-Small. Angels were singing. I swear! There, before my eyes, was the answer to all of our bedtime woes.

Somewhere, half way up our backyard mountain, Jim had discovered the perfect rock for jumping. Tiny-Small loved it. She jumped and jumped like a New Mexican jumping bean incarnate. We let her jump for 15 minutes straight. I tried to hide the little smile creeping across my face. I couldn’t help it. I knew all of that jumping was making her so very, very tired.

On the way back home she asked to be carried. She was too tired to take one more step.

When her head hit the pillow in exhaustion I almost woke her up with my cheering. I couldn’t believe it. She’d death-jumped herself right into bed.

When I was young the old folks would always say, “All that energy is wasted on the young.” I just thought they were crazy. Now I know exactly what they were talking about.

 

How To Lose Weight Very, Very, Very Slowly

If you’ve ever wanted to know how to lose weight very, very, very slowly you have come to the right place. I am pretty sure I am an expert on the topic since I have been doing it so well now for at least two months. I want to share my top 20 tips for losing weight slowly with you, in case you want to lose weight as slowly as possible too.

1. Sign up for My “Fitness Pal.” Then buy new, shiny, running shoes and a pedometer.

2. Decide not to eat things because you don’t want to take the time to type so many foods into My Fitness Pal. This may be the only way laziness helps you to lose weight.

3. Walk, or run, around your couch for hours every night while watching Dexter or The Big Bang Theory. Dexter is scary so running helps you diffuse the serial killer induced anxiety and The Big Bang Theory has a catchy theme song you can dance to.

4. Get 11,000 steps a day or more.

5. Start lifting 10lb weights over your head for hours while walking.

6. Stop eating so much cheese.

7. Cut sugar out of your morning coffee.

8. Skip dessert.

9. Stop typing the food you eat into My Fitness Pal because it’s too time consuming and you pretty much eat the same thing week after week, like the boring person you never thought you were, so you can estimate the calorie intake pretty well by now.

10. Lose 8 lbs in two months.

How To Lose Weight Very, Very, Very Slowly

11. Get tired one night and only get 8,000 steps. Then do that for a few more nights in a row, except some days you only get 6,500 steps.

12. Go to a holiday celebration and eat dessert twice. Also eat three hotdogs. It’s gross, but you do it anyway because it’s also delicious.

13. Forget to lift weights for a few days because you are too busy eating chocolate covered almonds.

14. Whine and cry about the lack of sugar in your coffee.

15. Stop losing weight.

16. Start entering what you eat into “My Fitness Pal” again.

17. Force yourself to take a run/walk in the middle of the day so you don’t have to stay up half the night getting in your 11,000 steps.

18. Go to bed early so you aren’t too tired to do all of the things listed above.

19. Stare longingly at the size 10 clothes in your closet that are still a little snug to wear comfortably.

20. No matter how many times you make a mistake, skip exercising, or feel discouraged do not use that as an excuse to give up. Just start over again the next day.

In the past two months and two weeks I have lost 9 lbs, 1/2 an inch off my hips and my waist, and my arms are getting more buff. So things are changing, just very, very, very slowly. My mom claims I am  losing weight the “right way” because I am making lifestyle changes and not just doing some fad diet. Losing weight slowly usually means it will stay off and I won’t be a yo-yo weight loser and gainer. She also says, “It took a while to gain the weight so it’s going to take a while to lose it.” I am just going to assume she knows what she is talking about since she is my mom and I am willing to cling to any hope at all at this point. Losing weight slowly is better than not losing any weight at all. I am just lucky I am not on a reality show because I’d already be kicked off the island, or out of the house, or sent home without a bachelor to marry by now.

One day soon I will be saying, “Hello, size 10 pants. I am glad we can go on more adventures together.” Then I won’t have to buy more clothes in size 12 or have two separate closets with my different sized clothing. I am pretty sure I will be saying hello to those pants sometime in 2015 at this rate, but better late than never, right?

Do you have any tips for how to lose weight very, very, very slowly? Are you an expert too? Please leave your bits of advice in the comment section so we can all benefit from your knowledge.

Happy Wednesday!

 

Results may not be typical (you could probably do this better than I am) and always consult your doctor before embarking on an exercise or weight loss program.