Tag Archives: humor

My Kid Needs A Job In Sales

I’ve been feeling under the weather so my husband decided to get up with our daughter this morning and let me get some extra sleep. I was snoozing away when something woke me up: A small shuffle, odd breathing in my ear, the sense that someone was standing over me.

It Was a Hazy Day 4x6 alcohol ink painting by Lillian Connelly on photo paper.
It Was a Hazy Day 4×6 alcohol ink painting by Lillian Connelly on photo paper.

I opened my eyes to see my daughter smiling inches from my face. “Hi mom!” she smiled, “You forgot this.” She handed me my cell phone. In confusion I looked at it to see if someone had called. She smiled knowingly, took my phone out of my hand and set it on my night stand.

“Mom,” she whispered, “You better get up. Dad made you coffee AND breakfast. It’s sitting out waiting for you.”

I was still half asleep and groggy from the pressure in my ears, the sore throat, and the post nasal drip. I stared at her not speaking. “You better get up, Mom,” she said in a very conspiratorial tone.

I sat up and got my bearings. I shuffled to the bathroom. She was chatting away behind me, “Your breakfast is getting cold. Hurry up. Dad made it. He made coffee. The coffee is extra healthy coffee. It’s just for you. It’s all for you. It’s waiting for you. Dad made it for you. It’s so good. It’s breakfast.”

I mumbled something about that being nice, but still felt confused. I finally turned and asked her, “Where is your dad anyway?”

“He’s somewhere.”

“Somewhere?”

“He’s downstairs. Don’t you want your coffee, Mom?”

As I closed the door to the bathroom I heard her pacing and talking, the way she tells all of her best stories. “Dad made your coffee with love. Your breakfast is waiting for you. I want you to eat it. Are you coming? Dad is waiting. He had to cook the food and make the coffee in your coffee pot. It’s already waiting….”

As I was washing my hands I asked, “What did dad make me for breakfast?”

For the first time since I’d opened my eyes there was a long moment of silence and then she answered, “I don’t know.”

That seemed odd since it was supposed to be sitting out on the table waiting for me. “You don’t know?” I asked.

I opened the door to see my husband staring at me with apologetic eyes, “Sorry she woke you up,” he said.

“I’ve heard a rumor that you have made me coffee and breakfast,” I told him and watched his eyes get big with surprise.

“Well, I…” he started to say but was interrupted by our daughter yelling.

“I was just joking,” she yelled and waved her arms, “It was a joke. I told you a joke, Mom. It’s a joke! I just wanted you to get up, Mom”

I just stared at both of them as Jim shrugged and mouthed the word, “Sorry” then he added, “I will make you coffee right now though….”

I think I was just sold the Brooklyn bridge, you guys. My kid needs a job in sales. Maybe we can put her skills to good use while I crawl back into bed for a little more shut-eye.

 

Bedtime Postponement Tactics

Bedtime can be difficult for parents with small children, but our child is especially skilled at bedtime postponement tactics. Yes, I am bragging. Some parents brag about Harvard. I brag about my child’s ability to outwit her parents. It takes a special talent to be this good at postponing bedtime. A very special talent!

At first Tiny-Small engaged in the usual behaviors. She needed a drink of water, the boogie-man-clown monster was under her bed, she was hungry, she wasn’t tired, she just needed to watch one more episode of Daniel Tiger and then she would totally fall asleep…she swore.

Bedtime Postponement Tactics
Non-stop energy.

We have seen and heard it all, but then she started doing something new. She started fake coughing. At first I thought it was real and I was very concerned, but then it turned out to be fake.  A ruse. A well calculated distraction from the inevitable. She could win an academy award for fake coughing.

When she was a baby I thought she was going to be an actress famous for her horror movie scream. Somehow, this fake coughing performance has moved her into the drama genre which is definitely academy gold. At the age of four she has moved past the B movie category and into Glenn Close territory.  I am already picking out the mansion she will buy me, in her twenties, and what I am going to wear to the academy awards ceremony.  Yes, I will demand to be her plus one. I have earned it.

Those fantasies are the only thing keeping me sane through this bedtime postponement tactic phase. Between making sure she gets enough exercise to be tired every night and the endless trips to get her a drink of water I am often at my wits end by the time she falls asleep. I am often falling asleep before she falls asleep. Or, really, just trying to keep my eyes open through sheer will.

The other night when Jim got home from work I was so tired that I handed the bedtime ritual over to him, laid down on the guestroom bed, and immediately fell asleep. I slept there all night! I was exhausted. Meanwhile, Tiny-Small spins like a top day and night. Her little brain is working over-time thinking up new bedtime postponement tactics. If she decides against being an actress, a dog doctor, or a ballerina I am pretty sure she will have no trouble getting through the Army’s special ops military training.

She will give a whole new meaning to the term “army brat” and as she follows in her father’s military footsteps, I will likely spend my days hoping she hasn’t worn her drill Sargent out too much.

If only I could steal just a little bit of her energy…

This Is How We Do What, Katy Perry?

Jim, my husband, had been talking about some article he happened to read in a magazine that included a segment on not only Lady Gaga, but Katy Perry as well. He was at a loss. What songs do these women sing? Who are these people? Should I know more about them?

This is how we do what, Katy Perry?
Lady Gaga and Katy Perry look-a-likes and wanna-be’s.

Being the second rate pop culture enthusiast that I am, I explained that Lady Gaga was the meat dress lady, but no I could not sing or name a single song she sang. Then I went on to talk about Katy Perry, except there wasn’t any talking. It was mostly crickets. Because I am old. I followed her on Twitter for a while  a few years ago. Some of my funny blogging friends followed her and so I thought maybe she was the comedic type, but a year later I unfollowed her because she never said anything funny at all, or if she did, I  didn’t see it or read it or retweet it or anything. The only thing I knew about Katy Perry was that she once had blue hair and that she may have been a Christian singer at one time. Possibly. Or maybe she sang in the church choir. I wasn’t really sure. I just knew she was all the rage in certain circles. Circles I was obviously not a part of.

Anyway, a few days later we happened to be staying in a hotel and VH1 was on when I turned on the TV. A video was playing. It was Katy Perry! I yelled to Jim, “Come over here! It’s Katy Perry. We’ll finally know one of her songs!” I was so excited. I was moving from living under a rock to living under a smaller rock…one I might even be able to push off my mommy brained, inadequate, non-pop-culture referencing self. There was hope. I was on the road to cultural awareness and pop relevance once again. It was liberating. I may have even been standing in front of the TV waving my hands over my head like a middle-aged cheerleader.

Katy Perry Look alike stick figure
Sing it sister.

Playing on VH1 was a song with the title “This Is How We Do” which sounded like a sentence that was missing the second half of itself. Possibly it’s better half. Then Katy Perry started talk-singing while girls in bright dresses walked around and then there was a kitchen, pancakes, ping pong ball, purses, and Katy Perry in a bathtub. Jim and I looked at each other. Then Katy Perry started saying, in her best smokers voice, “It’s no big deal. It’s no big deal. This is no big deal.”

Our daughter ran into the room. She is 4. She was mesmerized. All three of us were. We sat on the end of the  hotel bed staring at the TV as if we were passing the most gruesome accident on the highway. We could not look away.

Finally the video ended and I was dumbfounded. Jim said, “Well, that’s Katy Perry. She’s no big deal.”

I just stared ahead. Then I asked, “What was that? I mean, what was it about? I’m so confused.”

Then Jim just laughed and said, “It’s not about anything. It’s pop. It’s just noise.”

Later that day our daughter was running around singing, “It’s no big deal! It’s no big deal!” The song clearly resonated with her. She seemed to get the message Katie Perry was trying to convey. That’s when I realized I was too old for VH1, which was supposed to be for old people to begin with, and I wondered if I would ever feel cool again.