I’m not very good at diets, but I might try this Paleo diet I keep seeing all over Pinterest. Not for the reasons you’d suspect, probably, but because I hate washing dishes. If you don’t know what the Paleo diet is, just Google it.
I mean, I don’t fully understand it enough to tell you about it with my own words. Plus, I don’t really have an opinion on it being good or bad for your health. Seriously, this is the worst post ever written about the Paleo diet because all I care about is getting out of washing the dishes and fashion. I’m not actually going to say anything important about it. I’ll leave that to the food experts. Besides, I’m too busy planning my leopard print wardrobe and wondering which dog we could rename “Bam-Bam” or possibly “Pebbles.” I’d even consider changing my name to Wilma and naming my chicken Dino (she does look like a dinosaur).
I told you I wasn’t good at diets. I’m too easily distracted. Obviously.
Google the Paleo diet yet? OK, good.
Eat like a caveman. Kind of cool idea, right? I keep picturing myself dressed like Tarzan, well, maybe like Jane, gnawing on a giant turkey leg like they sell at the Renaissance fair. I’ll finally get a pet cheetah. I mean, pet chimpanzee named Cheetah. An actual cheetah would be insane. If I had an actual cheetah how would I walk it…or catch it when it ran away? I can barely keep up with Rosie. She out runs me at a brisk walk. Plus, I’m pretty sure a cheetah would just eat me because I’d be covered in turkey leg grease and look like a leopard. I don’t even know if that makes any sense. The truth is Jim already said I couldn’t have a pet cheetah so let’s just leave it at that.
I didn’t think twice about going on the Paleo diet the first time I read about it. I could never give up cheese. Or yogurt. Or, be still my heart, ice cream! Not to mention sweet potatoes are frowned upon and so are beans. I could never give up beans. When would I sing my favorite song about beans being the musical fruit? Plus, I’d probably get kicked out of New Mexico. Beans go with red or green just like chocolate goes with other chocolate. You can’t live here and not eat beans, unless you want to be friendless. Plus, cheese goes on beans, so there is that….
Anyway, all of that changed yesterday when I noticed a recipe to make pizza crust out of cauliflower. I’m not sure what kind of pizza doesn’t have cheese, but then I realized pizza crust is kind of like a giant plate. Then I started imagining my turkey leg on my pizza crust plate. Pizza crust is edible. This means you can eat your plate. If I go Paleo I may never have to wash dishes again. That would be awesome. Also, I would look cute having a picnic on my faux giraffe skin while petting my chimpanzee and NOT washing dishes afterwards. I’d probably smile more often and have a much higher life-happiness score too.
I’m giving the Paleo diet a second look. I mean, would I? Could I give up ice cream for plate free dining? It’s certainly a possibility I am looking into. Plus, I’ve always wanted a pet chimpanzee and I do love cauliflower. It’s only a matter of time before someone comes up with a recipe for cauliflower ice cream, right? When they do, I’ll be ready with adorable bones tied in my hair!
P.S. If you are on the Paleo Diet, I applaud you. It looks kind of hard. I mean you can’t eat Twinkies. That alone just proves you have the kind of moral strength and fortitude that I am seriously lacking. I wish I could be more like you and less like the flour loving cheese eater that I am. Let me be an example of what not to do. Seriously.