Tag Archives: Apocalypse

I’m Speechless: My Brain Was Taken In The Rapture

Well, I’m speechless. Maybe that’s not the right word. I can’t stop typing, but I don’t have anything to say. I think my brain might have been taken in the rapture last night and I have just been left with this body to work with. Wait…does that mean I am a zombie? How would I know? It’s also possible that my brain was taken in one of the previously scheduled apocalypses and I have been walking around like a zombie for quite some time now. I am positive, at least, that my memory went up in smoke or got burned down…or something. I don’t know. I have nothing to write about. I am not prepared. I mean, it was supposed to be the end of the world so planning ahead seemed kind of moot yesterday. Also, I was busy eating cookies and ice cream. Although, to be fair, that’s not a whole lot different from how I spend most other days.

I haven’t finished my Christmas shopping and things keep happening that are preventing me from heading to the store. Snow, flat tire, my family is with me every second. I am running out of time. I am starting to wonder if I can get away with just telling everyone they have been naughty this year. I mean, we do have a wood stove full of coal. That would make it so much easier! It would also be hilarious to see all of those coal smudged faces staring back at me in disbelief. Good times.

Jim keeps saying, “I thought you were going to make all of your gifts this year.” I just stare at him with a blank face, thinking back to a month ago when I was filled with so much hope and optimism about my ability to come up with, design, and package homemade items worthy of gift giving. I was so young and naive back then. Those were the good old days.

I still have a chance to redeem myself. I can bake fancy cakes or paint fancy paints (I don’t even know what that means) or I can collect rocks in the yard and put them in a box (Jim actually gave my sister a box-o-rocks for Christmas two years ago). I could make felt fox pillows. I can’t even rhyme today…this is what I am talking about here. I need to turn to Pinterest in desperation for inspiration or Google “Fast homemade Christmas gifts that can be made using just string, wire, and chewed bubble gum.” I need the MacGyver of Pinterest right now. What ever happened to MacGyver anyway? I could really use his help right now. Remember how he could go into a garage with a broken coat hanger, a surf board, and some duct tape and come out flying an airplane? This is what I am talking about. I need a Christmas morning miracle to occur in the arts and crafts department.

I also need to get off of the computer. Avoid all types of social media. Stop begging my friends to save me from myself. Stop going to Twitter to make fun of myself. In short, I need an intervention over here. I am pretty sure this is not going to happen. I probably suffer from Internet Addiction Disorder and brain rapture all at the same time.

I have a feeling my homemade gifts will be received with goofy smiles and shouts of, “Wow. I’m speechless.” Maybe they will wish I had just given them the coal. Either way, I can’t think of anything to write about today. I’m rambling and I’m speechless and I apologize for subjecting you to my raptured brain.

Good luck surviving Christmas. If you made it through the apocalypse…at least three times now, I am sure a little bad gift giving won’t do you in…or coal. I also hope you haven’t been rendered speechless like me.

 

 

Need a laugh after that? Try reading this: It’s A “Do-Me” Life: When Blog Names Go Horribly Wrong. Or This: If You Give A Toddler A Cookie She’ll Throw It In The Bathtub With You.

If The End of The World is Near We Are Eating Cookies For Breakfast

I’m a Genie In a Bottle…

The end of the world is near, if you listen to people on Facebook. So, we are eating cookies for breakfast. Why not, right? I asked my husband what he would do differently if today was his last day on earth. He said he would eat more ice cream. I guess you can tell, by now, that food, specifically sweets, is what keeps us going around here. Dessert is one of life’s greatest pleasures. So, if we are still here tomorrow we are all probably going to have serious, sugar induced belly aches. We might be in a sugar coma. We might even be wishing the world really had ended.

If you read this blog you know that Jim had cataract surgery over Thanksgiving. Today he gets to stop wearing his eye patch at night. He said it seemed fitting that on his last day on earth he wouldn’t have to wear an eye patch anymore. His vision is improved and he is ready for the apocalypse. At least he will be able to witness the destruction and meet his maker with both eyes staring into the oblivion.  I was a little sad to hear it was the end of the eye patch days because we have all had a good time making pirate jokes at his expense. Yesterday Tiny-Small caught the dog chewing the eye patch. It’s a family affair. Never a dull moment around here!

So, other people are selling off all of their possessions and rioting and getting blessed by Catholic priests and we are over here being ordinary. Our one goal for today is to have a real dinner. Jim just exclaimed that we are having an actual meal tonight and not a sandwich with canned soup and popcorn (yes, I actually made that for dinner two nights ago). I can’t blame him. Nobody would choose popcorn as their last meal. We aren’t doing much different today than we usually do. Cookies for breakfast, ice cream for lunch, a real meal for dinner. Oh! – And the dogs are getting weenies today. Tiny-Small added that as her last request. She has a good heart that little monkey child, mermaid girl.

It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. Thank you R.E.M.

How are you spending your last day on earth?

 

 

We’re Sick, But It’s Not The Apocalypse

We're sick, but it's not the apocalypse.

We’re all sick around here and it doesn’t look pretty. When I say “sick” I mean all three of us are still wearing pajamas, every horizontal surface in the house is covered with stuff and the floor is littered with toys, sippy cups, and chewed up important documents. Tiny-Small is roaming around with a runny nose getting into trouble with the dogs like a tiny toddler gang or something. Somehow, being sick doesn’t bother her as much as it bothers us “old” people. Once we recover from this illness I might just pack a couple of bags and move out. By then this house will need to be condemned. As you can imagine, I am feeling tired, cranky, and foggy (even more so than usual). I am also looking like death warmed over, Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, and a mom who just doesn’t care anymore. I know! I didn’t think it was possible for me to put less effort into my appearance, but obviously I have hit a new low and found a new bottom. I have banned all mirrors from the house and avoid going into the kitchen at all costs. The dishes are piling up along with the soup cans, pizza boxes, and unopened mail. Tiny-Small watched her Elmo pets video at least 8 times in a row yesterday while I went in and out of consciousness. I am so grateful her dad was also sick and home to help keep our baby girl alive and out of harms way. This got me thinking about all of the other things I am grateful for on this fine Thursday (or is it Friday, no, it’s Wednesday?) morning. So, I decided to compile a list for your reading pleasure, 1. I am grateful we don’t have the kind of friends that just “stop by” unannounced so nobody can take blackmail photos of me with my red nose, unwashed hair, and pajamas stained with Tiny-Small’s liquid ibuprofen that she decided to spit all over me instead of swallow. 2. I am grateful that I stocked up on tissues, cough drops, and frozen dinners before we all came down with the icky-sicky. At least we don’t have to get dressed and leave the house, stand for more than a few minutes at a time, or use up all of the toilet paper blowing our noses. 3. I am eternally grateful for my Netflix subscription so we have something new to watch besides Elmo. I am also grateful that Tiny-Small can reach the buttons on the DVD player and hit play by herself over and over and over again (never thought I would be grateful for that one). 4. I am grateful for toothbrushes, vaporizing chest rub, and antihistamine. Also, I no longer need ear plugs because my ears are naturally clogged (What? Did you say something?). 5. I am grateful that Tiny-Small doesn’t mind eating snacks instead of real meals, that she can entertain herself (even though she is the messiest mess-maker I have ever laid eyes on), and that she still loves me even though I am like a bump on a log. 6. I am grateful that Jim got sick before me and is in the getting better phase while I am in the middle, I can barely function, phase of the illness that has invaded our home. Even when we are sick we still make a good team. 7. I am grateful for being sick now instead of later when we are going on vacation. I am knocking on all sorts of wood hoping I didn’t just jinks myself into getting sick again. Darn superstitions always get the better of me. 8. I am grateful for the Internet so I can complain to my friends via facebook and they can say nice things like, “Get better soon” and “It’s OK to let Tiny-Small watch a marathon of TV because you are sick.” 9. I am grateful that it has been sort of raining off and on so I don’t have to worry about watering the garden. 10. I am grateful that my illness is not a permanent one and will pass with time. I just wish it would pass a little quicker before Tiny-Small redecorates her room and makes “carpet” from all of the clothes she has removed from her chest of drawers. That’s my list for now. I am trying to be positive and optimistic and happy while sick. It’s an uphill battle and a struggle because I am feeling pretty miserable. I’m just hoping Tiny-Small doesn’t feel as bad as I do.