If you’ve ever wanted to know how to lose weight very, very, very slowly you have come to the right place. I am pretty sure I am an expert on the topic since I have been doing it so well now for at least two months. I want to share my top 20 tips for losing weight slowly with you, in case you want to lose weight as slowly as possible too.
1. Sign up for My “Fitness Pal.” Then buy new, shiny, running shoes and a pedometer.
2. Decide not to eat things because you don’t want to take the time to type so many foods into My Fitness Pal. This may be the only way laziness helps you to lose weight.
3. Walk, or run, around your couch for hours every night while watching Dexter or The Big Bang Theory. Dexter is scary so running helps you diffuse the serial killer induced anxiety and The Big Bang Theory has a catchy theme song you can dance to.
4. Get 11,000 steps a day or more.
5. Start lifting 10lb weights over your head for hours while walking.
6. Stop eating so much cheese.
7. Cut sugar out of your morning coffee.
8. Skip dessert.
9. Stop typing the food you eat into My Fitness Pal because it’s too time consuming and you pretty much eat the same thing week after week, like the boring person you never thought you were, so you can estimate the calorie intake pretty well by now.
10. Lose 8 lbs in two months.
11. Get tired one night and only get 8,000 steps. Then do that for a few more nights in a row, except some days you only get 6,500 steps.
12. Go to a holiday celebration and eat dessert twice. Also eat three hotdogs. It’s gross, but you do it anyway because it’s also delicious.
13. Forget to lift weights for a few days because you are too busy eating chocolate covered almonds.
14. Whine and cry about the lack of sugar in your coffee.
15. Stop losing weight.
16. Start entering what you eat into “My Fitness Pal” again.
17. Force yourself to take a run/walk in the middle of the day so you don’t have to stay up half the night getting in your 11,000 steps.
18. Go to bed early so you aren’t too tired to do all of the things listed above.
19. Stare longingly at the size 10 clothes in your closet that are still a little snug to wear comfortably.
20. No matter how many times you make a mistake, skip exercising, or feel discouraged do not use that as an excuse to give up. Just start over again the next day.
In the past two months and two weeks I have lost 9 lbs, 1/2 an inch off my hips and my waist, and my arms are getting more buff. So things are changing, just very, very, very slowly. My mom claims I am losing weight the “right way” because I am making lifestyle changes and not just doing some fad diet. Losing weight slowly usually means it will stay off and I won’t be a yo-yo weight loser and gainer. She also says, “It took a while to gain the weight so it’s going to take a while to lose it.” I am just going to assume she knows what she is talking about since she is my mom and I am willing to cling to any hope at all at this point. Losing weight slowly is better than not losing any weight at all. I am just lucky I am not on a reality show because I’d already be kicked off the island, or out of the house, or sent home without a bachelor to marry by now.
One day soon I will be saying, “Hello, size 10 pants. I am glad we can go on more adventures together.” Then I won’t have to buy more clothes in size 12 or have two separate closets with my different sized clothing. I am pretty sure I will be saying hello to those pants sometime in 2015 at this rate, but better late than never, right?
Do you have any tips for how to lose weight very, very, very slowly? Are you an expert too? Please leave your bits of advice in the comment section so we can all benefit from your knowledge.
Results may not be typical (you could probably do this better than I am) and always consult your doctor before embarking on an exercise or weight loss program.