I Had A Miscarriage

I had a miscarriage.

It’s uncomfortable to type those words, especially in such a public place. It’s such a private experience. When I made the decision early on to announce my pregnancy publicly I knew I was taking a risk. There is always a chance that a pregnancy won’t work out for a multitude of reasons. I chose hope and optimism. I chose to share the journey…good and bad. I had a miscarriage yesterday. I spent most of the day in the ER.

I’m not going to write in-depth about it now. It’s too raw, but I might in the future. At the ER the nurse told me miscarriages happen far more often than people realize. I know this is true. I’ve seen the statistics and I personally know many people who have been through this experience. Maybe writing about it will make me feel less alone and maybe it will make someone else feel less alone too, but I am saving that for another day.

Right now I want to thank the ER staff at my local hospital for their professionalism, the respect they showed me, and their humor – which got me through some really rough moments. Mostly I want to thank them for their incredible kindness. The ultrasound tech cried with me. He said he was a dad and he knew how hard this was. The nurses sat with me and told me stories when I had to wait for test results. They got Tiny-Small lunch and dinner because she was there with us through everything and they knew I was worrying about her so much. I feel really lucky for being surrounded by people who truly cared about my suffering and did their best to minimize it whenever possible. I can’t express my gratitude enough.

I also want to thank my primary care doctor for telling me that sometimes things go wrong at conception and miscarriages are inevitable. I didn’t do anything wrong. There isn’t anyone or anything to blame. Sometimes they just happen and that’s that. Her words have given me some peace. I am sad, but not resentful or angry. I am not beating myself up over losing the baby and wondering what I could have done differently or worrying about what mistakes I may have made. With a few sentences she took away the shame. Her words were a gift and I appreciate them.

Also, if you are pregnant or have a baby. I still want to hear all about it. It’s not going to make me more sad. New life makes me hopeful about the future and I want to share in your joy.ย  So please don’t avoid me or just talk about the weather. I thought a lot about this while I was waiting in the hospital. I know a lot of people struggle with hearing about other people having babies when they just lost one. I can understand that and respect it. I’m just not one of those people. After my father committed suicide, I was in a lot of grief, but I still enjoyed reading and hearing stories about other people’s dads. I think I just find it comforting that there are good things happening in the world and that other people have different experiences from mine…and mostly, that life still goes on even after loss. It helps me be brave. We all process grief in different ways and that is OK.

Some people won’t read this post and they will ask me how far along I am or if I am having a boy or a girl and I will have to tell them I had a miscarriage. I just hope they don’t feel awkward or uncomfortable and like they should have already known somehow. It’s uncomfortable to talk about, but it’s OK to talk about and I appreciate their kindness and interest in my family. I hope they know that somehow.

I also hope you will read this as an attempt at fearlessness. I am not looking for sympathy. I just have to tell you what happened because I am not pregnant anymore and the only other option would be to pretend that I was and that would be ridiculous.

Thank you for understanding.

57 thoughts on “I Had A Miscarriage”

  1. I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage, my ex wife had 2 & mother had 5 & I remember one my mother had she had it one morning, my sister helped to clean the mess up within a few hours she was all cleaned up & went to work for a days shift, I know she was hurting but she never showed it she thought it was soft to show feelings, I wish you well for the future , ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. *shuffles feet uncomfortably as I have the knack of saying the exact wrong thing at the wrong moment, but I feel the need to say something*

    I love you. This sucks. I am glad you were surrounded by a compassionate medical community.

    Go Hawks?

    I am so sad with you.

    Please forgive me. <3

  3. Lillian, my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you. I have lost a child and had multiple miscarriages as well. I know what you’re feeling. It is definitely not your fault, it was easier to accept that after the doctors told me so, but I couldn’t do the same thing when I lost my son. I am here for you anytime sweetie. If you ever need to talk, cry, yell, scream, sit in silence and not be alone… Call me. I’ve gone through every stage of grief. And at times I go through it all again and again. So I just wanna extend my arms in a hug and lend an ear and a heart as well. (((Huge Hug))) I wish there was something else I could do, more… Ya know? To help heal your hurt and your heart.

    1. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with me. This was very hard to go through, but thanks to people like you, I didn’t go through it alone. I appreciate you so much!

  4. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you heal. And I hope you know that this post is such a wonderful reflection of the brave, kind and amazing woman that you are.

  5. I have read your blog for a long time and recently decided to have your entries via email as did not want to miss them. I have smiled and laughed with you and now I feel sad with you. I have never commented before as I usually stay on the sidelines. This time I felt I had to comment, you are a very strong and brave lady and I do look at your entry as an act of fearlessness. My thought s and my love are with you and I hope your strength will get you through this difficult time.. Hugs Lesley x

    1. Thank you for commenting, Lesley, and for reading my posts all this time. I can’t express how much reading the comments people left me here helped me to feel both brave and supported. Your kindness means a lot to me.

  6. Oh mama. Wish I could come sit by you and let you lean in and I would hold your hand. Sending you all of my love today. And tomorrow. And the next day.

  7. Perhaps it’s not helpful to say this (and although I’m hugely sympathetic and sad for you that this happened, we don’t know one another, so I don’t feel able to offer comfort in the way that your friends will be able to) but I do understand, and I really, HUGELY applaud your honesty, your transparency in posting this, and your bravery – yes, because it is brave – to share such an intensely painful part of your life with your readers.

    I’m glad you’re fighting back against the culture which inherently wonders (wrongly – as your doctor identified) whether the mother did something wrong, and at the culture which won’t talk about it, and the culture which pretends that until a baby is born, it barely counts. Thank you for these things. Because they matter so much to me – I lost two, and have no other children, and have made it a bit of a personal mission to keep fighting these barriers, so thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for adding your voice and your strength to this effort.

    1. I hope all woman who go through this can speak freely about it. I know doing so has helped me through the healing process. All of this support made a huge difference. I am confident if I had kept it all a secret I’d be in a much darker place two months later. I still feel vulnerable, but I do not feel alone.

      I am so sad you lost two and I appreciate you spending your time fighting these barriers and changing cultural attitudes. You are making a difference.

      1. I’m glad you don’t feel alone. That’s possibly one of the most important things. Because the alone-ness on top of the grief is unbearable, but having people around you makes it…if not manageable, then…just about liveable through. I know I was very blessed with just the right people at just the right times, and I hope you find the same.

        Thanks for the encouragement – I’ll keep writing ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Brave. Selfless. Kind. Compassionate. Wonderful. Empowering. Real. Dynamic. Persevering. Amazing. <==You. Hugs, Lily. Very Big Ones.

  9. I am so sorry Lillian. I had one several years ago and I found it very hard to get over (much harder than I ever would have thought). I always told people I was pregnant early because I figured I would want them to know if I miscarried (I am not the stoic type). I am glad you had a caring experience at the hospital. Hugs Lillian. Buy yourself something nice and have a nice big margarita : )

    1. I think if I get pregnant I will tell people early on again. I am not the stoic type either. Plus, it’s all so exciting and keeping secrets tends to do more harm than good.

      It is much harder to get over. If anything, this experience has made me much more understanding about how loss can affect people.

      Thank you for your kind words.

  10. Oh Lily. I’m so sorry! I feel like nothing I could tell you would be helpful or comforting, but you should know that I love you. You’re brave and wonderful. Let me know when you’re feeling up to indulging in escapist fiction. That’s something I can help with. XOXOXOXO

  11. Lillian, you are brave and fearless woman, and it is so important to feel what you feel in its fullness. Your feelings are valid, and I’m thankful that you shared them with us. I was so excited for you when you said you were pregnant, and I wish you didn’t have to experience such heartache. You are truly a beautiful person in and out, and I know your baby (just like Tiny-Small) is lucky to have had such a great mother. Sending you love and prayers.

  12. I’m sorry to hear for your loss. I think you’re very brave to tell people. I wouldn’t even talk about this kind of thing on Facebook. Let alone with The Internet.

    But I think it is good to share these stories about miscarriage. Because it is more common than we know, because people don’t talk about it… And suffer and feel guilt and all those things you mention. ๐Ÿ™ same goes for abortion.

    It’s like once this happens to you, you join this secret club. And then you find out all the women Who Are In The Know. Because not one person told you before. But suffered in guilt or shame, silently.

    Good for you for being brave and site stepping that s***show.

    1. I do feel like I have joined a secret club. It’s been a very enlightening, often heart-breaking experience. I have heard so many stories from other women. I still feel incredibly vulnerable about sharing it with the Internet, but I also know it’s helped me in my healing process so I am glad I wrote about it. Thank you for commenting. The support really helped me get through the first week which was the hardest.

  13. “Also, if you are pregnant or have a baby. I still want to hear all about it. Itโ€™s not going to make me more sad. New life makes me hopeful about the future and I want to share in your joy. So please donโ€™t avoid me or just talk about the weather. ” – After my miscarriage this happened. People avoided me, avoiding discussing it. It was like this dark cloud hanging over me. Like my pregnant friends believed it was a contagious disease they could catch. I felt a pang of jealousy every time I saw pictures of baby bumps and nurseries and baby showers on Facebook, but the joy was still there for them. Diluted, tainted, but still there. I still struggle with this. It is a battle to get them to see that I am okay.

    1. I still feel pangs of jealousy about babies too. I even felt sad yesterday when I saw a store flyer in the newspaper advertising for the “biggest baby sale of the year.” I am also so happy to see my friends baby pictures too. It is a struggle that hits me at the oddest moments.

      Your story makes me sad. I hope your friends get back to acting normal around you soon. I think it’s that loneliness that can be the hardest to endure.

      Sending hugs your way.

  14. Oh, friend – I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m thinking about you and hope you are getting plenty of love and support. Take care of yourself. Big hug.

  15. This is sad news Lily. I’m very sorry to hear you lost your baby and my heart goes out to you.

    It happened to me once too so I can say in all honesty that time does heal and the sadness will dissipate. It will take a while, and you’ll never forget this child, but you will find yourself happy again.

  16. oh mama! i am so sorry for your loss, your pain and your sadness. i am relieved to hear you had good support at the hospital.
    thinking of you my (bloggy) friend. XOXO

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