Child’s Career Aspirations Thwarted By Anal Glands – I know it sounds like a headline from The Onion, but this is a true story. Tiny-Small has wanted to be a “dog doctor-princess-ballerina” when she grows up for a while now. She has two doctor’s kits and most of her favorite toys are covered in bandages. They are a sorry-looking lot! We recently visited Jim at work and the first thing Tiny-Small noticed was an exam table in his office. She was so impressed. She kept talking about how sick people would sit on the table or lie down and get shots. She loves to talk about shots. She does not love to get them. Jim found it all amusing since he doesn’t actually use the exam table. He shares office space with a doctor sometimes. Tiny-Small was not all that impressed with Jim’s computer or office with a window in it. She just wanted to get her hands on the looking-in-your-ears-contraption mounted to the wall.
Anyway, Stevie Wonder had to go to the veterinarian to get a booster shot and I thought it might be the perfect time to take Tiny-Small. She could see a real “dog doctor” in action. Plus, she could see that the veterinarian, sadly, does not wear a princess dress or practice ballet while doctoring the animals. I know she’s young for that kind of disappointing reality check, but sometimes parents have to do the dirty work, right?
Well, we waited in the lobby like good dog owners. Stevie Wonder tried to show a Rottweiler who was boss. The lady with a cat chatted with Tiny-Small. Jim held the door open for everyone carrying a sick pet. I read People Magazine. (Don’t judge. It’s the only time I read it, I swear! I only recognized two people) Tiny-Small introduced herself to everyone using her full name, including both of her middle names, introduced me using my entire name and then introduced her dad as just “Jim” which must mean something, but I don’t know what. In short, she was charming the entire waiting room. The ladies were laughing, the men were smiling, Tiny-Small was on stage cracking jokes and practicing her ballet moves.
Before long, we found ourselves crowded into the exam room with Stevie Wonder, where we discovered he did not need a booster shot, there was some kind of computer typo, but he did have impacted anal glands. If you don’t know what anal glands are, just count yourself lucky…or do an Internet search, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you do know what they are, well, you know what is coming next, probably.
The veterinarian put on some rubber gloves, the tech secured Stevie Wonder, and then the Veterinarian started squeezing Stevie’s butt. Tiny-Small was staring in rapt attention. Stevie Wonder was not happy. Then the veterinarian sprayed Stevie Wonder with what can only be described as “dog butt freshener” so he smelled like a powder fresh mongrel with a side of dog breath all the way home. I know because he sat on my lap for the entire ride.
On the way home, Tiny-Small kept saying, “Dog doctors have to touch dog butts? That’s disgusting!” She just couldn’t believe it. Jim explained that the doctor wore gloves, but Tiny-Small wasn’t having it. “He stuck his finger in Stevie’s butt, Dad, that’s gross!” She squealed with delight. She’s at that age where discussions about butts and poop are her absolute favorite. She even makes Jim sing songs about Stevie Wonder pooping on the floor before she goes to bed every night. It’s not classy, but when it comes to bedtime we will do almost anything to ensure she goes to sleep, stays asleep, and does not catch us eating all of the ice cream and watching Downton Abbey.
I wasn’t sure if witnessing the anal gland squeezing would change her mind about wanting to be a dog doctor at first. I mean, she thought it was gross, but she said so with so much glee that I figured it could go either way. Unfortunately, my fears were confirmed this morning when she announced, “I think I want to be a people doctor instead.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that people doctors sometimes have to touch butts too.
And that’s how my child’s career aspirations were thwarted by anal glands!