Tiny-Small swears occasionally. I blame her dad because I don’t swear much. I make up swears like “Oh PoopenHauser” which is fake German for “Oh Sh*t.” I don’t swear on my blog, usually, but today I have to so I can tell this story. Sorry. Also, I apologize to the German people for inventing fake swears that I think sound German, but probably don’t. This is simply because Jim can speak in German and I can’t, so I invent words to annoy him because that’s what *good* wives do.
It all started with this:
I went green-face-make-me-have-perfect-skin beautiful while Tiny-Small was in the bathtub. She didn’t like it and instructed me to wash my face immediately. She said I was scary. I couldn’t disagree. I was unsettling.
After I washed it off, Tiny-Small stared into my eyes and asked, “Why you put dat gween in you eyes, Mom? Wash you eyes!” I told her that was just the color of my eyes and that I didn’t put the beauty mask in my eyes so I couldn’t wash it off.
That’s when she said, “Oh damn, Mom, you eyes are gween.” She shook her head with pity. I was speechless. I didn’t know if I should ignore the swear or explain that it wasn’t a nice word for kids to use, or just be like so what if she swears it’s just a word. I also wondered what was wrong with having green eyes? So I debated in my mind and she got bored and then she went off to do stuff three-year old kids do (climb the back of the couch, feed the dog her snack, dump a bottle of soap in the toilet…the usual shenanigans). I missed my moment to address the situation because my brain is slow and I have to go through every possible option weighing each and every possible consequence before I make a decision (exactly why it took me over a year to buy an Xbox). I blame my introversion. It makes me research everything until nobody even cares anymore.
Anyway, later, we were in the kitchen and she had pulled a chair over to the cabinet where we keep her plastic cups. She was going to get her own cup (the pride!), but when she opened the cabinet door a cup fell out and she said, quite happily, “Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.” She shook her head and smiled before picking up the cup that had fallen. It was like she knew when to swear appropriately, but didn’t have the heart to actually be angry about the cup falling onto the counter. She just sang out her swear words merrily and with glee.
I decided it was time to have a talk. Not with Tiny-Small so much, but with her dad. He doesn’t realize that she hears everything…EVERYTHING. She repeats it too. So, unless he wants Tiny-Small to swear at her grandparents or her teacher, he better clean up his language. To all the dads out there swearing, in front of their kids, it’s all fun and games until your kid swears at or in front of the wrong person. After that, it’s just plain awkward. So, don’t do it. Please. Especially if your kid is like Tiny-Small and plans her bad behavior for the optimal moment of embarrassment. That swearing is going to come back and bite you in the butt. Trust me, it always does.
*Of course, they could have been talking about dams. I seriously doubt it, but I am willing to give both her and her dad the benefit of the doubt…this time. I can’t help it, I’m an optimist or an ostrich with her head firmly planted in the sand. It could go either way. That’s just the kind of mother I am.