The other day I choked on my own saliva. I know, the word “saliva” is disgusting. At least it is to me. I can’t even think about it. The problem is I was tired and doing something that I can’t remember and then I choked on my own saliva. Who does that? Stroke victims, people with loss of muscle control, and moms who don’t sleep enough (I added that last one myself to make me seem more normal).
The thing is, when you are married to a Speech Therapist you should never choke on your own saliva or on anything else for that matter. Choking puts them into work mode. It puts them into “I must save you from your incompetent self” mode. Luckily, Jim was not home when I choked on my own saliva. It was just me and Tiny-Small coughing in the bathroom together. Me having trouble breathing and her coughing in imitation or solidarity. After I coughed up my entire lung I was fine and the fact that I almost died right in front of my toddler became a funny story instead of one filled with horror and tragedy.
So, I made the mistake of telling my humorous story about choking on my own saliva to my husband when he got home from work. I mean, I had to tell someone. Also, it was the most significant thing that had happened that day. It was either that story or the one about how I matched the wrong socks together and Tiny-Small dumped water into the dog food bowl. That water in the dog food bowl story has been told so many times it’s like a rerun loop. If I was smart I would record my telling of that particular story so every night I could just rewind it and hit play for my husband. I am sure he would be very grateful to hear that story again and again and also be proud of me for saving my voice.
Anyway, I got lectured and instructed on how to save myself from choking. I was shown exercises that will strengthen my muscles. I was shown how to cough. I was shown how to do push-ups against the wall to strengthen my core. Stand like Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid and put your hands flat against the wall. Then push. I’m not kidding. I am well versed in how not to choke on my own saliva ever again. Maybe.
I have a feeling I will probably choke again though. I mean, it’s hard to avoid when you are thinking about other things like how to paint the feather of a humming bird or how to mail one of your paintings to France. These are real issues I am facing. These are serious matters to contemplate. These are the stories of my daily life. This is what I do and sometimes it causes me to choke on my own saliva.